Dare Thirty Eight: The Cinderella Concept

Picture from my Cinderella DVD

This dare is so challenging.  I realize how truly selfish I am as I think about today’s dare.  The dare is for me to “Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable.  Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can.”  But why am I supposed to be making his dreams come true?

I want to be Cinderella.  I want my handsome prince to make my dreams come true.  I want him to have his white horse (or maybe a white limo), a grandiose castle, and I want everything to be planned and go as planned.  I want him to make my dreams come true, all of them.  It gets worse.  In my selfish Cinderella mindset, I do not want to worry about taking care of the prince!  I want him to rub his own feet, fold his own socks, and pick up his plate after dinner.  As for his dreams, I should be his dream, right?

I say this and you may laugh, but don’t many of us truly buy into this Cinderella Concept?  In our minds, we as women are to be his princess, his prize, his dream.  His dreams, those that are not fulfilled by our very presence, are his problem.  Okay, so it doesn’t always go this far, but you get my point.  Sometimes I get into the mindset that James needs to take care of me and make my dreams come true, but I leave his dreams out on the front porch getting cold (or in Mississippi getting ridiculously hot . . .).

Granted my husband’s short term dreams change with the tide, but I need to pay attention to his dreams.  If he currently wants to better himself or the house in some way, I have to not only buy into that, but align myself to making it happen in any way I can.  If he sets a goal for himself, I have to show my love for him by supporting him enough to do all I can to help him accomplish that goal.  His dreams need to be my dreams.  He’s not a prince and I’m not a princess.  We have to look to each other to bring our dreams into reality.  He can’t call a castle servant to serve me dinner on command, and I can’t wave a magic wand and have the entire house clean in minutes.  We each have to work out of love to bring about each others needs, wants, and dreams.

His dreams are my concern.  I am not Cinderella nor am I a fairy tale princess.  Life does not live happily ever after without applying some elbow grease.  My husband dreams of a wife that considers his wants as much as my own wants.  My husband dreams of having my respect him as much as I respect myself.  Sometimes if I don’t feel loved, I don’t respect.  However, love loves regardless of how I feel at the moment.  I cannot just love him when I feel up to it.  His dreams are my concern.

Lately, I’ve been little Miss Cinderella.  I have completely dismissed so many things that James has been asking me about.  Stupid things really.  Things that I could have stepped up to easily, if I had not had such a diva mindset.  God set us on this earth to serve others, not ourselves.  I must to set aside the Cinderella Concept and start making my husband’s dreams come true. 

Dare Thirty Six: Word of God Speak

Today’s dare reminded me so much of the song by Mercy Me.

Word of God Speak

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That You're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that I need is to be with You

And in the quiet hear Your voice

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

Find more at Mercyme.org

When am I going to fully realize that the Word of God is alive in me?  The bread of life is vital to my existence.  I need God’s word to fill me up.  Sometimes I run around starved and spiritually emaciated.  How many Christians spiritually look like the children from other countries shown in ads for Feed the Children?  The bread and water of life is not optional for God’s children . . . it is literally life.

The Bible, the very Word of God, is so important for my marriage.  The kingdom of God must reign in my marriage!  How much clearer can God be on this matter?  “But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33, NIV).

The dare for today was, “Commit to reading the Bible every day.  Find a devotional book or other resource that will give you some guidance.  If your spouse is open to it, see if they will commit to daily Bible reading with you.  Begin submitting each area of your life to its guidance and start building on the rock.”  Jesus is the rock and we must build the foundation of our marriage on Him.  I think of the song, “all other ground is sinking sand.”

Let me tell you right now.  The enemy does not want my marriage to be on solid ground.  As I write this blog . . . as we seek after God’s will for our life . . . James and I have been under attack.  We have been arguing more lately over insignificant things.  If we don’t cling to the rock, we will be in sinking sand.  God is powerful.  God is sufficient for us in times of trouble.  If you are reading this, please keep us in your prayers.  We are more than happy for others to invite God into our situation and for God’s hand to be upon our marriage in a mighty way.

“Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.” – James 1:22

Dare Thirty Four: What is true?

In 1 Corinthians 13:6, it says that love "does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth."  I hardly think that unrighteousness is a consideration in today's society, much less truth.  Marriages are built on "let's give it a shot" and husbands are thought of as the silly little man that is laughed at in every sitcom on television.  Is that real?  Is that true?  According to the verse, love is based on real truth that has nothing to do with unrighteousness.  I'm in it for real life and real love.

This dare has challenged me because while I hope to be upstanding, I don't go out of my way to rejoice with the truth.  Dare Thirty Four asks me to, "Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way.  Verbally commend them for this at some point today."  Wow!  Intentionally rejoicing with the truth . . . with righteousness.  Applauding good character, godliness.  What a refreshing thought!

I often praise my husband on his leadership ability and his physical strength.  I applaud his cooking ability.  I definitely tell him how daggone smart he is.  Sometimes I forget that more importantly than all these things is his strength of character, his integrity, and his genuine heart.

God has made James a person who stands by what is right even when everyone else says that breaking the rules is alright.  He rarely bends the rules and even less often does he break rules.  His integrity is outstanding.  Forget how excellent a cook James is, his upright stance is worth rejoicing!  I can praise my husband for his character.

Another thing that James is amazing at is being a father.  I was not privileged to have a father while growing up and seeing James act as a good father to my son means the world to me.  He gets to represent to my son what a father is, so when my little guy grows up he will understand that God as our Father is an amazing God who will take care of our needs, teach us, and guide our steps.  I do rejoice that James is the best father my son could have.

The truth is that James is an amazing man that God has brought into my life as my husband.  The truth is that James is a wonderful father and a man of integrity.  I rejoice in the truth.  James will always be this person even in human mistakes.  I reject the lies that make me feel that James might let me down or will not live up to my expectations and rather I accept the truth of who God made James to be.  Our mistakes can never remove the truth of who God made us to be.  My mistakes make me no less of the true person that God intends.  Sin is still sin, but as a Christian, it does not represent the truth but rather lies. When we follow God's plan we are living in the truth, while when we are following our own way we are living in a world of lies.  Real life is God's plan.  The truth is worth rejoicing!

Dare Thirty Three: Team Spirit

Have you ever known a spouse that acted like their counterpart was a burden, a hassle, and the person holding them back in life?  This is normally accompanied by a list of their faults and an eye roll at their shortcomings.  However, the spouse that treats their mate this way is just as much a failure!  Marriage is about standing in the gap for your love.

The dare for today is about completing one another.  Basically, the chapter expresses that man and wife are to work together and blossom in the areas where the other person doesn't.  The husband might be a better cook, but the wife might be better at the laundry.  The wife might be better at finances, but the husband might be better at taking care of maintenance issues.  Each person has their strengths and weaknesses and works to balance the other one out and work as a team.

I love the verse provided in this chapter of The Love Dare, Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.  But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."

So back to the first example, how many of you know spouses who kick their counterpart when they are down, tear them up in their shortcomings, and rip them apart with words, actions, and gossip?  Not only do I know plenty, I have been and sometimes am guilty of this myself!  Rather than bludgeoning our spouses to death with our words, actions, and gossip, God has called us to support them in their shortcomings.

While the chapter reminds me of how I am supposed to be a support to James instead of being critical.  The chapter actually dares me to "Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success.  Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.  If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you."

Basically, if I were to tear down James to his face or to friends, I'd be tearing myself down.  Sometimes we end up treating our spouse as our enemy, we don't want to do anything for them to help them.  Think of this though, Romans 12:20 states, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."  If we are supposed to take care of our enemy when they have needs, how much more should we be doing for our spouses who are our partners NOT our enemies!

As a team, James and I make decisions.  We consult each other about everything.  At times, I'll mean to not tell him something, maybe because it's something little that honestly doesn't matter, then I'll end up telling him anyway.  We have an open relationship where we depend on each other's opinions and differences to help us to make the right decisions.  Sometimes we give advice and the other chooses not to take it.  However, the balance still remains.  We advise each other but we don't boss each other around.  Completing one another isn't about fixing one another, it's about being the couple that God intended for us to be.

We aren't perfect but we make plans to do things right.  I decided early on in our marriage that I would never publicly tear him down or humiliate him.  I succeed much more often than I fail, because I planned to do it right.  He does the same, but he's even nicer.  He tends to build me up and say nice things about me in front of other people.  We also agreed that any big purchases would be talked about first.  Though, we aren't always in agreement over the purchases each other makes.  However, what we have done right is putting an importance on dialogue between us and realizing that we affect each others lives.  The power of a spouse can be used to bring completion to a marriage or dissention to a marriage, the choice is yours.

Dare Twenty Eight: Sacrifice

Today's dare was about stepping back from my personal woes to consider the needs that my husband has in his life.  Basically sacrificing my "woe is me" attitude to realize that other people, particularly my husband, have problems and needs too.  Especially with our society being so focused on living for oneself, it is so easy to think about personal issues and to be self-absorbed in our own life that we forget that our husbands need us to focus on them, our children need us to consider them, and our friends and family need us to think about them.  It's not all about me.

The Twenty Eighth dare asks, "What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now?  Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need."

Strangely though, returning to the dare is my fulfillment of this dare.  With my life being so consumed with taking care of my son, doing schoolwork, selling Mary Kay, helping out with church, and considering the future, lately I had forgotten that my first responsibility is to be my husband's helpmate.  If I'm the best mother, the best student, the best Mary Kay consultant, and even the best volunteer but I neglect my husband then I'm not doing what God intended for my life.  God has made me a married woman and as such, I am to be there for my husband.  By recommitting to this dare, I'm making a conscious effort to put my relationship with James above all the other things that make my day busy beyond all reason.  Busyness is not an excuse to put God on the backburner, and it's also no excuse to put my husband on the backburner.

My husband needs my attention, he needs my affection, he needs my support, and he needs to know that I cherish him.  How is it that couples say they will cherish each other on their wedding day then spend no other day living up to those vows?  Let's define cherish.  According to Merriam-Webster cherish means, "to hold dear, to keep or cultivate with care and affection, to harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely."  How often do we let go, tear down, and dismiss our spouses?  Maybe the pastor reading the vows should hand out a dictionary during the service!  I want to accept my responsibility, though it means a sacrifice at times, to cherish my husband cultivating our relationship and keeping him close in my mind.

"I take thee to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part."

Day Twenty Six: Owning Up

While I am not sure why this is, I am a person who easily sees my own faults.  For over half of my life I was a shy introvert who constantly felt like others could see how much of a mess I was and while I was that person, I was a mess.  Since then, I have grown up to realize that God has plans for me despite my faults and that my past can be used for his glory.  Unfortunately, mistakes are not always in my past and I still stumble right here and now.

Sometimes I yell at my husband.  Sometimes I yell at my kid.  At times I say too much when I should have bit my lip.  Shoot!  Sometimes I commit to doing something . . . like a dare . . . and take forever to follow through.  Yesterday’s dare challenged me to take responsibility for my wrongdoings and ask James for forgiveness.

"Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing.  Ask for God's forgiveness then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse.  Do it sincerely and truthfully.  Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well.  No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love.  Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.”

I could completely relate with the chapter and I often feel that I am “doing the best I can" and “he'll just have to deal with it”.  Instead of fessing up or taking responsibility, sometimes I hide behind excuses.  The book is clear that "love doesn't make excuses.”

When I forgave James for things that I was holding against him in Dare 25, I also confessed how awful I had been lately.  I let him in on the fact that I had been acting poorly towards him because I was not giving him the forgiveness that God calls us to give.  While this should have been a good step in the right directions, habits die hard.  Yesterday, I lit into him for some stupid thing . . . oh yeah . . . because he wanted to make a garden trellis with expensive pipes and I thought he should use less expensive wood.  The crazy thing was that I could have given him the different opinion without being awful and he may have been thankful for a new idea.  He ended up using my idea, but was less thankful because of how I "let him have it".

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but as a spouse I have to take hold of it.  I have to give it and I have to ask for it.  Forgiveness does not always just happen; instead it needs to be an intentional choice.  I have to intentionally give it, and I have to intentionally seek it.  I am human and I will make mistakes, my husband is human and he will make mistakes as well.  Forgiveness lets God be in control instead of acting like we have the power to hold things over each other.  Besides, it feels a whole lot better to let go.

Dare Twenty Five: The Dare Is On

I find it surprising how much has occured within two and a half weeks that I paused the dare to remind me how much I need to really listen to The Love Dare.  The last week of the term was awful.  I was stressed and I was angry.  Instead of keeping my class work as my class work and realizing my stress belonged in that area, I brought it on over into family life.  I was a bear.  The kind that goes “rrraaaawwwrrrr.”  My classes ended up just fine, but my attitude was no where close to fine.

After the term finished, James, my little guy, and I took off to Gulf Shores, Alabama for two days.  I was convinced a vacation was just what we needed.  However, I found that if I do not let go of stress, it doesn’t let go of me.  It took me forever to relax.  My goodness, I am good at holding onto things that are no good to hang on to.

The end of the vacation week, we went to go visit James’s mother.  I really think she enjoyed seeing all of us, especially my little guy her only grandbaby.  She has been dealing with a lot lately, and I really was glad that we were able to take care of her for a few days and bring her a bit of joy.  The rest of the vacation went really well.  James and I had tons of time to talk on the way back from Auburn.

What I really realize is how much things pile up in my heart when I do not take the time to deal with them.  When I took a hiatus from the dare, I took a hiatus from loving my husband fully.  I know I said I was not going to stop tending my marriage, but I let life get in the way of good intentions.  The dare is intended to instill lasting habits, and I let go of some of them.  Let me say, the dare is back on, and I am going to work on making these habits lasting.

Yesterday’s dare was about forgiveness.  I have had no forgiveness lately.  Each little offense has been building up inside of me and I honestly am convinced that if this dare had not come along, I’d be bursting.  Instead of holding on to all of that unforgiveness, God wants to loose forgiveness in my life and marriage.  It is not my job to hold James accountable for his failings, nor am I to hold other peoples offenses against them.  Forgiveness frees them and me into God’s hands.

The dare said that “Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your mate, forgive it today.  Let it go.  Just as we ask Jesus to “forgive us our debts” each day, we must ask Him to help us “forgive our debtors” each day as well.  Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long.  Say from your heart, “I choose to forgive.””

I even wrote a bible study on forgiveness.  It was about situational forgiveness.  Even when little things such as stubbing our toes make us mad, we have to let it go.  I am horrible about this.  I find that God keeps bringing me back to things that He knows I need to let go to Him.  I need to let go of my unforgiveness.

I choose to forgive.  I choose to keep “no record of wrongs”.  I choose to live each day as a fresh beginning rather than darkening every new sky with the rain of yesterday.  I forgive my husband for the areas in which he has failed, and realize that if I don’t forgive I’ve failed most of all.

Dare Twenty One: Over Halfway Dared

Dare Twenty One makes me over halfway through The Love Dare.  I was almost celebratory, until I realized I was not eager to finish but instead I’ve been enjoying ever dare that has been thrown my way.  Of course some of the dares have been challenging and hard, but life is challenging and hard.  For that matter, marriage is challenging and hard.  No more than someone would be super excited to be halfway through with their life, or halfway through with their marriage, I am not excited to be halfway through with the dare.  Instead, I am reflective.

What really has changed since I have been taking on the dares?  My husband has not changed.  My situation has not changed.  Mostly I have changed; my priorities have changed, and my mentality has changed.  Rather than putting marriage as the pot warming on the backburner, I have decided that the “dish of marriage” needs to have some spices added and get to boiling.  Of all the dishes that we work on within our life, marriage needs the most time and attention.  I do not want to wake up one morning after raising my children, completing my education, and being successful at a job realizing that my marriage was lost because I neglected it.  What I’ve learned most through the dare so far is that God is the God of my marriage, and God intends for my marriage to be my second priority after Him.  That’s up there!

The twenty first dare was to “be intentional today about making a time to pray and read your Bible”.  I decided to begin reading Proverbs each day for a month.  Sadly, I haven’t read Proverbs all the way through since I was a teen, but I learned so much when I did read it that I’d like to do it again.  In addition, I’ve begun to really make a point in praying for James each day.  He lets me know a few things he struggles with in his day, and I want to lift them up to God.  I also pray for his heart for the Lord.  What could be better for a husband than to draw closer to God?  God’s the best at pulling us to himself in love.

This dare is really a reminder about how God is the top priority for life.  As the title holder as the number one priority, time spent with God each day is a must.  More important than food, water, or even air, God is that important!  I desire to have such a hunger and thirst after Him that I cannot function in my day without filling up on his word and dousing my life in prayer.  I can do all things through God who strengthens me, and I can do nothing without Him.  In effect, the dare is asking me to feed myself, to breathe in air, because that is how fundamental a relationship with God is.

Dare Twenty: Learning to Love Love

I have already placed my faith in Jesus as the Lord of my life and trust in Him for my salvation, but I also realize that in accepting Him daily I must learn to love love.  I John 4:16 says, “God is love,” and if I resist God at all I am resisting unconditional love.  The dare asked me to commit my life to God, “Dare to take God at His word.  Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation.  Dare to pray, ‘Lord Jesus, I’m a sinner.  But you have shown your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection.  Lord change my heart, and save me by your grace.’”  While I do trust Jesus for my salvation, I have been sincerely asking God to change my heart.  Instead of keeping God locked up in a room of my heart, I want to make sure that He has free reign in me.

God has been calling me to radically change my life.  I keep feeling his draw to give up certain things for his glory and to live my life in a special way devoted to Him.  One of the things that helped me see that I wasn’t fully abandoned to God’s will was the fact that I was stumbling so regularly in loving James in this dare.  This past week was a rough week for me.  I was selfish, rude, and I was not succeeding in love.  What I realized through the last dare and this one is that I cannot love with unconditional love if Christ does not have my whole heart in which to pour his unconditional love. 

The last two lines of the song I wrote yesterday were “I’ve let go of all I’m grasping for, I’m grasping for you.”  The life that God has called me to live is a life devoted to grasping after Him.  I am learning to hunger and thirst for God like I have never known before.  How does this have to do with the love dare?  I can only love my husband fully if I know the love of God in a real way.  If I tip my hat to God, then go on living my life, I am not receiving God’s unconditional love that I can pour out to my husband.  God loves me unconditionally and in response to that kind of love, I can love unconditionally.  I don’t deserve that kind of love, and sometimes my wonderful yet flawed husband doesn’t deserve that kind of love, but that doesn’t stop God from loving me, and that shouldn’t stop me from loving my husband.

How can it be, That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

Amazing love! How can it be, That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

- Charles Wesley

Dare Eighteen: Dinner for Two . . . or Three

Last night, I cleared off the table, set the table with plates, napkins, and silverware, and lit a candle.  While the dare for yesterday was to “prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you," we also included our little guy in our meal, because it would be a little hard to leave the little guy out.  He hardly noticed that we were having a special dinner for two while he ate in his high chair.  The dare went on to say that "the dinner can be as nice as you prefer.  Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about.  Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate.”

James did not know what the dare for the day was.  So when I made the table look all spiffy, he was left scratching his head.  The candle tipped him off to the dinner being a special effort, even though the meal itself was not all that special.  I made the Chicken Bog all by myself, but I made it two nights before.  However, this was the first time we got to sit down for a meal together to eat the dish.

Having put a little extra effort into preparing a special dinner, I realize that sometimes doing something special should be a part of my routine.  Why shouldn’t I set the table before dinner and clear the mail and extra items off of the table?  Why shouldn’t I make sure I know what I’m fixing more than 30 minutes before dinner?  I could probably spend a lot more time talking with James if I planned our meals in advance, even if he’s cooking for the day.  Maybe I’ll spend a little time making dinner special and have enjoyable nights like this more often!

Dare Seventeen: It’s a Secret

I am a pretty good secret keeper.  If someone tells me something, I never go to another person and blab, “So, do you know what ____ told me?”  However, I have at times told a “secret” that should have been kept between me and my husband.  Maybe I was talking with the girls and wanted to share my husband’s worst problem or maybe I was mad at him for the day and let the “secret” slip.  The secret doesn’t even have to be really bad things.  Maybe he didn’t take out the trash, or he promised to set the alarm and didn’t.  The reason for it to be a secret is because I do not have to broadcast to the world my husband’s personal struggles or failures.

Yesterday’s dare was in regards to secret keeping.  “Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them.  Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues.  Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you.  Make them feel safe.”  While the book did not go into detail what the secrets may be, I realize that because of a husband and wife’s intimate relationship (intimate meaning super close and knowing every detail about each other) we will ultimately know things about each other that no one else knows.  In order to make my husband feel safe, he has to have faith that I will be his protector and guard his secrets how silly they may be.

When we first married, I was more than willing to let any ear hear about our fights and his shortcomings.  Why shouldn’t everyone know that James had failures too?  I quickly realized that sharing these “secrets” made me feel better at his expense.  Sure, I was elevated for the moment as seeming better than him, but I brought him down in other’s eyes.  I did not like lowering him in other’s eyes.  In fact, I began to realize that I wanted others to see what a fantastic guy I married and to bring him up.

That change was dramatic.  Instead of broadcasting his failures, I always make sure to tell others about how wonderful he is.  And he is wonderful.  Not because he never messes up, but because he is my husband and I am his support.  God has given me the amazing job of building him up, and I am not doing that job if I am tearing him down.  I choose to make him feel safe in our relationship.  When he shares his struggles, he trusts that the conversation is between only him and me and that he won’t be seeing his struggles being posted on Facebook or hearing about them from my friend’s spouses.  The “secrets” are for me to build him up in prayer and to show him that I am there for him, and not for me to tear him down.

While I am not perfect in regards to keeping James’s every shortcoming a secret, I think I make sure everyone knows that James is the most wonderful man that I know.  He is a great father and someone that I learn so much from day to day.  I have faith in his leadership, and I trust his judgment.  Instead of bringing him down, I choose to build him up.

Dare Thirteen: Don't throw dirt!

Sure, when it comes to children we are quick to tell them, “Don’t throw dirt!” but as adults we toss around more dirt at our spouses than children ever toss at the playground.  While I am sure everyone intends to be fair in all things, few people succeed at being fair when it comes to having a fight.  Whether by throwing punches under the belt or hitting a spouse while he's down, every couple tends to think that fighting fairly is a "fair"y tale (excuse the pun).  So throwing dirt becomes a normal part of arguments, after all, “he did it first!”

Saturdays’ dare lays down the line about throwing dirt.  What stops a child from throwing dirt?  Previously established rules.  The dare challenged me to “talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement.  If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by.  Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.”

James was more than happy to talk about rules of engagement; after all he is in the Navy.  The Navy cannot operate without rules of engagement.  In order to keep peace with other nations, the U.S. has rules of engagement to help everyone “play” fairly.  In the same way, James and my marriage can have rules of engagement to help us keep the peace.

The Love Dare gave suggestions for rules for couples and for each spouse to consider.  Some of them we already live by, such as never mentioning the “D” word.  However, others we decided could really help us keep our fights or arguments at a calmer level.  One suggestion was about calling a “time out” when one of us needs to cool down.  With that we had to discuss honoring the call for time out because sometimes one of us wants to work it out right away rather than taking a little extra time to let things calm down first.  We decided to honor “time out” and make that a new rule for engagement.

I have been working on my own new rules for engagement, but I had not written them down.  I tend to yell about things that just do not matter, so when The Love Dare mentioned establishing the rule “I will speak gently and keep my voice down,” I really felt that I should accept this rule as my own.  Even today I caught myself raising my voice about something getting moved in the house, and then I realized it was not worth yelling about.

Through this dare, we both realized that we are both responsible for how our arguments play out.  Setting boundaries on our fusses lets us actually work through things rather than to get lost in the fight.  Too often one of us gets hurt then the argument becomes about that hurt instead of the original problem.  The original problem may have been almost insignificant but when feelings get hurt in an argument everything can get out of hand.  Instead of continuing the cycle, I will begin to practice the rules of engagement to help the cycle stop with me*.

*Check out the book Love & Respect to read more about the cycle of hurt within arguments

Dare Twelve: Putting up the white flag

While I had planed to wait until day twenty to reveal my secret life of dares to James, I decided yesterday that telling him sooner was the right thing to do.  He felt like I was hiding something from him, and even though I was only hiding something good, I did not want him to mistake my stealthness for distance.  Instead of pushing him away by continuing secretly, I decided to pull him towards me by letting him in on the blog and the dares.  His entire attitude changed for the better as he took in all the things that I had been doing for him because I loved him.  Now instead of an unknowing participant, he is now my support and partner on the dare.

Interestingly, I never thought about the fact that telling him could have been a completion of yesterday's dare.  Yesterday's dare was to "demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse.  Tell them you are putting their preference first."  James and I were slightly disagreeing over things because of him not knowing what was going on, and I chose to give in.  Though letting him in on the secret was sort of a fulfillment of the dare, I still made an intentional effort to complete the dare later that day.

This Friday was date night for James and me.  We sometimes go out to eat or maybe catch a movie, but this Friday we were able to see a friend of ours perform in his band Back 2 Soul.  Then came the argument, I mean, the "unresolved discussion".  James and I could not agree on whether I would take Josiah with me to pick up the babysitter or if Josiah would stay with James at home while I went.  While neither one of us was greatly upset about the matter, we just could not resolve the issue.  I was ready to just take Josiah to make the issue disappear when James told me that I did not have to let him walk all over me just because of the dare.  He actually reminded me that I did still need to "give in" on an argument for the dare.  I told James that I would take Josiah and thanked him for reminding me about the dare.  With James knowing about the dare, I may have a few more challenges, but yesterday, James ended up reminding me about completing my dare without even knowing it.

The nature of love looks for ways to help the person I love rather than insisting upon winning every fight.  James did that by telling me that I did not have to let him walk all over me.  He was looking out for me and was less interested in having his way.  Then I was able to look out for him by taking Josiah with me and letting him get some things done without any interruptions.  Instead of looking at each issue as a competition, when we look out for each other and put up the white flag we end up both winning.  I am going to lift high my white flag as I begin to learn that taking care of James is taking care of us both.

Dare Eleven: I Cherish You

My husband’s mother had surgery for cancer yesterday.  While most of my day went by as normal, in the back of my mind I realized that my husband must really be upset today even if he isn’t showing it.  The dare yesterday was about cherishing my spouse.  “What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand?  Give a back grub or foot massage?  Is there housework you could help with?  Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you” and do it with a smile.”  Cherishing James on that day meant supporting him when part of his world was a little shaky.

My husband loves his mother a ton.  She put her entire life into raising him into an outstanding person.  While James doesn’t always wear his feeling on his sleeve, as his wife, I knew he was upset about her surgery.  I can’t read him like a book, but I know his book by heart.

The need that James had was in regards to encouragement.  He needed support.  While it was simple and took little time, I wrote him a special note that let him know that I was on his side.  I would be there for him.

His mom’s surgery went well.  God has her in his hands.  While cancer is a scary thing, so is life.  We never know what tomorrow may hold, but we can trust God no matter the outcome.  James is doing well too.  He is encouraged by the good report from his mother, and I think he was encouraged to know he has his family behind him too.  Saying “I cherish you” can be as simple as letting my spouse know that no matter where he is in life, I am right there beside him.

Dare Ten: Love is a choice

Sometimes showing love to your spouse does not look very romantic to the rest of the world.  In fact, the one intentional thing that I did to fulfill yesterday's dare would be absolutely dumb to anyone else.  The dare said to "do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse - something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else."  Well, yesterday, I bought James Organic Chicken Better Than Bouillon!

I knew that James had wanted some more Chicken Better Than Bouillon, and I also knew that he would love that I found it in organic.  Fulfilling the dare meant going out of my way, putting off a few other things that I needed to be doing, and visiting the Coast Health & Nutrition off of 49.  I had to choose to show my love in that way.

James loved it.  He found it in the bag on the sofa before I got home from Growth Group last night.  I pulled it out of the bag to show him later on, and he said that he had seen it.  Not only did I get a smile out of the deal, but I could see that he knew that I had done something special for him.  While I thought this was the completion of the dare, I had no idea that this dare was going to be tested again this morning.

James lets his alarm go off time after time in the morning.  The second time it went off, I woke up.  Unlike my typical bad attitude upon awaking to a blaring alarm, I simply asked him if he would please get up so it would not go off again.  He did not want to get up, and wanted to keep sleeping until the alarm went off again.  I was hurt.  I shared my feelings and told him how I knew he wanted sleep, but that my sleep was being disrupted by the alarm.  Again, he was not moved to action.  Finally, the alarm went off once more.

He decided to try to prove his point about not wanting to get up when I asked him by asking me if I would like to get up to fix him breakfast.  It was not really the dare, it was not really me trying to prove a point (though maybe a little), but I really wanted to show him that my love was unconditional.  I got up out of bed upon his request and fixed him breakfast.  He thought I was just trying to pull a "holier than thou", but I explained that I love him that much.  I wanted to do what he asked.  My reaction was my choice, and though he did not have the best attitude this morning, my love is my choice.  When I choose to love, it is not dependant on his perfect attitude.

I honestly did not expect to be fulfilling this dare with anything but the Organic Chicken Better Than Bouillon.  God's grace was more than sufficient, and He gave me the strength to show my love this morning.  I really surprised myself by not getting mad.  I think I surprised James too.  The more I open up my heart to true unconditional love, the more I realize that I am opening up my marriage to God's power.  Not only is The Love Dare teaching me how to love my husband, it is teaching me to open up my life to God's love.

Dare Eight: His Biggest Fan

The dare that I had for Valentine's Day was about jealousy.  The dare was to "determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy.  To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it.  Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed."  Besides getting a headache from burning the list, this dare went fine.  I do rejoice in James's success.

In fact, the idea of being jealous about his success had not crossed my mind until the dare proposed it.  I could see where I could be sad that I did not get to move to Nashville to follow my career dreams, but I made the choice to marry James and I knew that he was planning to be a career Navy man.  No surprises there.

James is wonderful at his job.  I really respect his success, and I respect how he handles situations in his job.  While I know this does not make this dare seem like a challenge, I do not think every dare will be a challenge.  Hopefully in some ways, I do love my husband well.

Still, I am sure I could think of more ways to be his biggest fan.  Instead of wincing when he begins a new project, I could tell him how much I believe in him.  Instead of cringing when he starts pulling out bowls and pans in the kitchen, I could tell him how much I appreciate that he cooks. 

Think about the fans of rock bands or of some of those teen boy bands, shouldn't I be as big of a fan of my husband as some of these fans are about their stars?  I'm not saying I'm going to be taking my bra off and flinging it at him while he is at work . . . like some of the crazy fans . . . but I need to be excited about having him as a part of my life.  The opposite of jealousy is appreciation, and I need to be appreciating each moment that I get to be a part of James's life.

The First Dare

The first dare was "to resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all". I admit that this task was easier than normal because I only saw James for about four hours yesterday. Still I recognized how easily I blurt out negative statements and tend to deride him in an instant.

When he was on his way home from work, I realized that when I am on the phone with him I tend to set the tone for the entire evening. I caught myself about to nag him about things that he needed to do around the house when he got home. Why do I get him upset at me before he even walks through the door? Instead of giving him "the list", I simply told him I was happy that he was coming home and that was looking forward to seeing him. The first conversation was over.

I was in a rush when he arrived home. I realized that it was Monday; the night of the girl's night out with my church. Fortunately, mostly everything was together for me to go, and James was a champ about the whole situation. I started to ask myself whether he was reading this book too; probably not. I kissed my little boy goodbye, told James a few ideas for their dinner, and rushed out the door. The second conversation was over, and so far no negative remarks were made.

The dinner was great, but after I left I kept stressing myself out over whether I had given my friend enough money to cover my part of the bill. Stress is not a good way to stay in a positive mood. When I got home, I immediately told James why I was so stressed and he figured out that I did give her enough money. I am so happy my husband is better at math than I am!

Josiah was already in bed, so James and I stretched out on the sofa. Here is where the challenges began to come up. First, he started in on one of his habits that I absolutely detest (gross, but not weird). I quickly asked him to stop, and then I realized that I was being negative. I told him quickly and sweetly, "never mind!" He was confused.

Then the television popped up with a reminder about his woodworking show while I was watching the end of Castle. The reminder is a big block message about his program that pops up right in the middle of the screen while I am watching my show, so frustrating! I immediately became angry and was ready to show my disapproval. Why am I so quick to get upset and give him what for? I frowned and growled, then swallowed it. I know that he knew I was upset, but I held back the brunt of the storm. Small triumph, but I need to work on it.

I think that I am figuring out that the little things that he does that annoy me are more about my issues than his. Sure he has bad habits, but so do I. The way I react, the way I handle these things, say little about him, but everything about me. Yesterday was my first dare and my first active pursuit to love my husband according to the dare's instructions. While I had a few minor failures, I can see the overall benefit of actively thinking about how I react. Patience could look really good on me.