Dare Thirty Four: What is true?

In 1 Corinthians 13:6, it says that love "does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth."  I hardly think that unrighteousness is a consideration in today's society, much less truth.  Marriages are built on "let's give it a shot" and husbands are thought of as the silly little man that is laughed at in every sitcom on television.  Is that real?  Is that true?  According to the verse, love is based on real truth that has nothing to do with unrighteousness.  I'm in it for real life and real love.

This dare has challenged me because while I hope to be upstanding, I don't go out of my way to rejoice with the truth.  Dare Thirty Four asks me to, "Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character in a noticeable way.  Verbally commend them for this at some point today."  Wow!  Intentionally rejoicing with the truth . . . with righteousness.  Applauding good character, godliness.  What a refreshing thought!

I often praise my husband on his leadership ability and his physical strength.  I applaud his cooking ability.  I definitely tell him how daggone smart he is.  Sometimes I forget that more importantly than all these things is his strength of character, his integrity, and his genuine heart.

God has made James a person who stands by what is right even when everyone else says that breaking the rules is alright.  He rarely bends the rules and even less often does he break rules.  His integrity is outstanding.  Forget how excellent a cook James is, his upright stance is worth rejoicing!  I can praise my husband for his character.

Another thing that James is amazing at is being a father.  I was not privileged to have a father while growing up and seeing James act as a good father to my son means the world to me.  He gets to represent to my son what a father is, so when my little guy grows up he will understand that God as our Father is an amazing God who will take care of our needs, teach us, and guide our steps.  I do rejoice that James is the best father my son could have.

The truth is that James is an amazing man that God has brought into my life as my husband.  The truth is that James is a wonderful father and a man of integrity.  I rejoice in the truth.  James will always be this person even in human mistakes.  I reject the lies that make me feel that James might let me down or will not live up to my expectations and rather I accept the truth of who God made James to be.  Our mistakes can never remove the truth of who God made us to be.  My mistakes make me no less of the true person that God intends.  Sin is still sin, but as a Christian, it does not represent the truth but rather lies. When we follow God's plan we are living in the truth, while when we are following our own way we are living in a world of lies.  Real life is God's plan.  The truth is worth rejoicing!

Day Twenty Six: Owning Up

While I am not sure why this is, I am a person who easily sees my own faults.  For over half of my life I was a shy introvert who constantly felt like others could see how much of a mess I was and while I was that person, I was a mess.  Since then, I have grown up to realize that God has plans for me despite my faults and that my past can be used for his glory.  Unfortunately, mistakes are not always in my past and I still stumble right here and now.

Sometimes I yell at my husband.  Sometimes I yell at my kid.  At times I say too much when I should have bit my lip.  Shoot!  Sometimes I commit to doing something . . . like a dare . . . and take forever to follow through.  Yesterday’s dare challenged me to take responsibility for my wrongdoings and ask James for forgiveness.

"Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing.  Ask for God's forgiveness then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse.  Do it sincerely and truthfully.  Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well.  No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love.  Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.”

I could completely relate with the chapter and I often feel that I am “doing the best I can" and “he'll just have to deal with it”.  Instead of fessing up or taking responsibility, sometimes I hide behind excuses.  The book is clear that "love doesn't make excuses.”

When I forgave James for things that I was holding against him in Dare 25, I also confessed how awful I had been lately.  I let him in on the fact that I had been acting poorly towards him because I was not giving him the forgiveness that God calls us to give.  While this should have been a good step in the right directions, habits die hard.  Yesterday, I lit into him for some stupid thing . . . oh yeah . . . because he wanted to make a garden trellis with expensive pipes and I thought he should use less expensive wood.  The crazy thing was that I could have given him the different opinion without being awful and he may have been thankful for a new idea.  He ended up using my idea, but was less thankful because of how I "let him have it".

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but as a spouse I have to take hold of it.  I have to give it and I have to ask for it.  Forgiveness does not always just happen; instead it needs to be an intentional choice.  I have to intentionally give it, and I have to intentionally seek it.  I am human and I will make mistakes, my husband is human and he will make mistakes as well.  Forgiveness lets God be in control instead of acting like we have the power to hold things over each other.  Besides, it feels a whole lot better to let go.

Dare Twenty Four: Love Vs Lust

I must begin with a definition of lust because I often lose sight of how broad the subject of lust really is.

Lust per http://www.blogger.com/www.access-jesus.com/definition-of-lust.html: The simple definition of lust is having a self-absorbed desire for an object, person, or experience. When we are in lust, we place the object of our desire above all things in our lives. From a Christian perspective lust is bad because we are putting the object of our lust above God.

The Love Dare explains that “lust is in opposition to love.”

Do I have a self-absorbed desire for an object, person, or experience?  A love that is not godly?  Sometimes I lust after food.  I lust after success.  I lust after appreciation and approval.  I look to the food, the success, the appreciation and approval to fulfill me and to make me happy.  When I expect them to do what only God can, I’m lusting after them.  I’m not placing my trust in God and I am desiring other things to bring me contentment.

The dare challenges me to “end it now.  Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it.  Single out every lie you’ve swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it.  Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom.  It must be killed and destroyed – today – and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with his perfect love.” 

Obviously I shouldn’t remove all food, but I need to give my desire for food as fulfillment up to Him.  Food does not satisfy but a moment.  God says “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they will be filled.”  I love how God takes those things that we desire to make us happy and the Bible shows how God is the true fulfillment of all our needs and wants.  We may hunger within our body, but the hunger in our spirit is what can be truly fed and can bring us joy.  Food cannot be an idol, nor can it bring us fulfillment whether too much food or starving ourselves of food.

Success.  So many people strive after success.  Maybe if I spent less time trying to succeed and more time seeking my Savior, I might do less trying and more . . . succeeding.  God is ultimately in control.  I can lust after success or I can pursue God with all that I am.  I must choose the later.

I am a woman and being such I lust after appreciation and approval.  I tend to want approval more than I want anything else.  I want the new person I meet to like me.  I want my husband to show that he is happy with me.  I crave appreciation.  Do you realize how many I’s were involved in these statements?  In light of God’s love, I must take my need for appreciation and approval and nail them to the cross.

Maybe I do not lust in the way most people think of the word lust, but when I love other things that aren’t a part of God’s plan I am lusting.  Lust is a very selfish thing, and I really want to learn to become more like Jesus and become selfless.  I must end my obsession with food, I must end my obsession with success, and I must end my obsession with approval.  God is my stronghold, not these meaningless things.

Dare Twenty Two: I love you regardless

To James:  I love you regardless.  No matter what you do or say, you are getting love from me.  The love that I offered on our wedding day was not a whishy washy dependent on you type of love, I offered you a love that was unconditional.  These are the vows that I said on our wedding day:

I do take you James to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to be loyal to you, till death us do part according to God’s Holy Law.

James, to you, I offer my life, my body, my strength, my support, and my loyalty.  I offer my faith, my hope, and my love in all the changing circumstances of life as long as we both shall live.

The twenty second dare expressed that “love is a choice, not a feeling.  It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction.  Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it.  Say to them today in words similar to these, ‘I love you.  Period.  I choose to love you even if you don’t love me in return.’”  I am blessed.  James does reciprocate my love, but not always the way that I wish he would.  Sometimes it feels like he’s expressing his love in Zulu while I feel that I’m expressing my love in Cupidese.

In response to God’s unconditional love, I can give James love no matter whether he loves me “adequately” or not.  James’s love is not sufficient, God’s is.  My love is not sufficient for James either, only God has the love that is unlike any other.  Sometimes I find myself looking to James for fulfillment in love, but only God can provide that to me.  As I learn to depend on God’s love to fulfill my heart, I want to love James unconditionally with all my heart.

Dare Twenty: Learning to Love Love

I have already placed my faith in Jesus as the Lord of my life and trust in Him for my salvation, but I also realize that in accepting Him daily I must learn to love love.  I John 4:16 says, “God is love,” and if I resist God at all I am resisting unconditional love.  The dare asked me to commit my life to God, “Dare to take God at His word.  Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation.  Dare to pray, ‘Lord Jesus, I’m a sinner.  But you have shown your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection.  Lord change my heart, and save me by your grace.’”  While I do trust Jesus for my salvation, I have been sincerely asking God to change my heart.  Instead of keeping God locked up in a room of my heart, I want to make sure that He has free reign in me.

God has been calling me to radically change my life.  I keep feeling his draw to give up certain things for his glory and to live my life in a special way devoted to Him.  One of the things that helped me see that I wasn’t fully abandoned to God’s will was the fact that I was stumbling so regularly in loving James in this dare.  This past week was a rough week for me.  I was selfish, rude, and I was not succeeding in love.  What I realized through the last dare and this one is that I cannot love with unconditional love if Christ does not have my whole heart in which to pour his unconditional love. 

The last two lines of the song I wrote yesterday were “I’ve let go of all I’m grasping for, I’m grasping for you.”  The life that God has called me to live is a life devoted to grasping after Him.  I am learning to hunger and thirst for God like I have never known before.  How does this have to do with the love dare?  I can only love my husband fully if I know the love of God in a real way.  If I tip my hat to God, then go on living my life, I am not receiving God’s unconditional love that I can pour out to my husband.  God loves me unconditionally and in response to that kind of love, I can love unconditionally.  I don’t deserve that kind of love, and sometimes my wonderful yet flawed husband doesn’t deserve that kind of love, but that doesn’t stop God from loving me, and that shouldn’t stop me from loving my husband.

How can it be, That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

Amazing love! How can it be, That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

- Charles Wesley

Dare Nineteen: Reaching the end of me

The dare: “Look back over the dares from previous days.  Were there some that seemed impossible to you?  Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love?  Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.”

All I can say about the effect of this dare on my heart is expressed in this song that I wrote as God called me to accept his love into every part of my heart and life.

Grasping for You

I’m down on my knees

I’ve reached the end of me

I’ve done all I can do

I’m nothing without you

Take me to the cross

It’s the starting place

At the foot of the cross

I surrender me to you

I’ve been blinded by my labors

Pressing forward on my own

After all this time of doing

I found myself alone

Take me to the cross

It’s the starting place

At the foot of the cross

I surrender me to you

Abase me for your name

Pour me out for your glory

Empty out my life

Dwell in me today

Take me to the cross

I abandon all I am

I’ve let go of all I’m grasping for

I’m grasping for you

Dare Fifteen: Interested?

Listening has never been one of my strong points.  Maybe it is because I am highly distractible or maybe because I choose not to be interested, but listening does not seem to be second nature for me.  When the dare told me to: “choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her.  It might be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.”  I immediately knew that listening would be a good way to honor James and to show him that he is esteemed by me, especially since I normally take the “I’m too distracted to listen” approach.

Concentration and interest are pivotal for listening.  Sometimes when James wants to talk about something (whether the topic is banjos, cooking, or an article he has read), I am normally not interested and not even trying to concentrate.  Why should I concentrate when the topic has no importance to me?  Yes, I really am that awful.  So yesterday, whenever he began to talk with me about a topic, I stopped everything, made eye contact, and feigned an interest.  Whoops!  Did I write that last part?  I guess the truth is I have trained myself so much to show no interest to things James is interested in that I actually had to fake an interest to show him love.  While this may seem insincere, the truth is, sometimes we have to force ourselves to do things until we do them naturally.

I may not have an express interest in woodworking a banjo or baking bread, but the more I pay attention to James and his interests, the more my interest will build.  Just like someone can tell themselves a lie that they begin to believe, I can tell myself the truth and I will begin to believe it.  Right now, I realize that I need to keep telling myself that I am interested in my husband and his interests.  Of course, I love James, but I have pushed away a lot of the things that makes James who he is.  I have to embrace him and who he is, which includes a world of trumpets, historical landmark visiting, woodworking, cooking and baking, photography, and any new hobby that he takes on.  By rejecting his interests, I have been telling him that I do not esteem him enough to be interested in him, in who he is as a person.  That has to change.

Through the dare’s challenge to honor James, I have realized that I have to honor him exactly the way that he is.  In order to honor him, I have to honor everything that makes him who he is a person.  I cannot show distain on his interests, but then tell him that I honor him.  I esteem him for the fact that he is the man that I married five years ago.  He is a man of many talents.  He shows his positive attitude by showing interest in anything and everything around him.  I could take a few tips from him.  Disinterest is dishonoring, and just as I want to honor James, I need to honor God by showing interest in all that He has created.  By honoring James, I also honor my Jesus.

Dare 2 Love 4 Valentine's Day

Yesterday, I decided to accept The Love Dare. In honor of Valentine's Day and in recognition of the perfect time to start, I decided to complete each love dare starting February the 7th and ending on March 18th. In order to recognize how the dare is affecting my marriage and love, I will journal my progress day to day on this blog.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this dare, The Love Dare is a 40 day dare to unconditionally love your spouse expecting nothing in return. Also, the book was featured in the movie Fireproof with actor Kirk Cameron who is most known from his television days playing in Growing Paints. Each day the book presents a new challenge for loving your spouse.

For as long as possible, I plan to keep my dare a secret from my husband, James. Without revealing why I am acting and reacting differently, I will go through each day and watch what happens when I actively seek to show love to my husband. I plan to take it one day at a time. I may not be able to commit to tomorrow's dare today, but I might do a decent job at handling it tomorrow.

While I have to make the decision to do this dare, God is my ultimate strength throughout this time. If I pretend that I am strong enough and good enough to do this all on my own, I will fail. God is love, and this is a love dare. I am reminded of I Corinthians 13:1-3,

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

This dare is to gain something, it is to gain love. As it stands, my marriage can be considered a good marriage, but a marriage is not a thing that you have it is a thing you do. I am a part of a marriage, a member of a two person team. If I want to make my marriage better then I have to be active in my pursuit of the glue that keeps a marriage one. That glue is love. Because I prize my partnership, my marriage, I accept the dare to love for Valentine's Day, 2011.

If you want more information on The Love Dare, check out these links and consider taking this challenge with me. God can and will work in our marriages when we seek his love.

The Love Dare

The Love Dare on Amazon

Fireproof My Marriage

Fireproof

Fireproof on Amazon