While I am not sure why this is, I am a person who easily sees my own faults. For over half of my life I was a shy introvert who constantly felt like others could see how much of a mess I was and while I was that person, I was a mess. Since then, I have grown up to realize that God has plans for me despite my faults and that my past can be used for his glory. Unfortunately, mistakes are not always in my past and I still stumble right here and now.
Sometimes I yell at my husband. Sometimes I yell at my kid. At times I say too much when I should have bit my lip. Shoot! Sometimes I commit to doing something . . . like a dare . . . and take forever to follow through. Yesterday’s dare challenged me to take responsibility for my wrongdoings and ask James for forgiveness.
"Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing. Ask for God's forgiveness then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse. Do it sincerely and truthfully. Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well. No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love. Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.”
I could completely relate with the chapter and I often feel that I am “doing the best I can" and “he'll just have to deal with it”. Instead of fessing up or taking responsibility, sometimes I hide behind excuses. The book is clear that "love doesn't make excuses.”
When I forgave James for things that I was holding against him in Dare 25, I also confessed how awful I had been lately. I let him in on the fact that I had been acting poorly towards him because I was not giving him the forgiveness that God calls us to give. While this should have been a good step in the right directions, habits die hard. Yesterday, I lit into him for some stupid thing . . . oh yeah . . . because he wanted to make a garden trellis with expensive pipes and I thought he should use less expensive wood. The crazy thing was that I could have given him the different opinion without being awful and he may have been thankful for a new idea. He ended up using my idea, but was less thankful because of how I "let him have it".
Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but as a spouse I have to take hold of it. I have to give it and I have to ask for it. Forgiveness does not always just happen; instead it needs to be an intentional choice. I have to intentionally give it, and I have to intentionally seek it. I am human and I will make mistakes, my husband is human and he will make mistakes as well. Forgiveness lets God be in control instead of acting like we have the power to hold things over each other. Besides, it feels a whole lot better to let go.
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