Dare Thirteen: Don't throw dirt!

Sure, when it comes to children we are quick to tell them, “Don’t throw dirt!” but as adults we toss around more dirt at our spouses than children ever toss at the playground.  While I am sure everyone intends to be fair in all things, few people succeed at being fair when it comes to having a fight.  Whether by throwing punches under the belt or hitting a spouse while he's down, every couple tends to think that fighting fairly is a "fair"y tale (excuse the pun).  So throwing dirt becomes a normal part of arguments, after all, “he did it first!”

Saturdays’ dare lays down the line about throwing dirt.  What stops a child from throwing dirt?  Previously established rules.  The dare challenged me to “talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement.  If your mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to “fight” by.  Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.”

James was more than happy to talk about rules of engagement; after all he is in the Navy.  The Navy cannot operate without rules of engagement.  In order to keep peace with other nations, the U.S. has rules of engagement to help everyone “play” fairly.  In the same way, James and my marriage can have rules of engagement to help us keep the peace.

The Love Dare gave suggestions for rules for couples and for each spouse to consider.  Some of them we already live by, such as never mentioning the “D” word.  However, others we decided could really help us keep our fights or arguments at a calmer level.  One suggestion was about calling a “time out” when one of us needs to cool down.  With that we had to discuss honoring the call for time out because sometimes one of us wants to work it out right away rather than taking a little extra time to let things calm down first.  We decided to honor “time out” and make that a new rule for engagement.

I have been working on my own new rules for engagement, but I had not written them down.  I tend to yell about things that just do not matter, so when The Love Dare mentioned establishing the rule “I will speak gently and keep my voice down,” I really felt that I should accept this rule as my own.  Even today I caught myself raising my voice about something getting moved in the house, and then I realized it was not worth yelling about.

Through this dare, we both realized that we are both responsible for how our arguments play out.  Setting boundaries on our fusses lets us actually work through things rather than to get lost in the fight.  Too often one of us gets hurt then the argument becomes about that hurt instead of the original problem.  The original problem may have been almost insignificant but when feelings get hurt in an argument everything can get out of hand.  Instead of continuing the cycle, I will begin to practice the rules of engagement to help the cycle stop with me*.

*Check out the book Love & Respect to read more about the cycle of hurt within arguments