Dare Thirty Three: Team Spirit

Have you ever known a spouse that acted like their counterpart was a burden, a hassle, and the person holding them back in life?  This is normally accompanied by a list of their faults and an eye roll at their shortcomings.  However, the spouse that treats their mate this way is just as much a failure!  Marriage is about standing in the gap for your love.

The dare for today is about completing one another.  Basically, the chapter expresses that man and wife are to work together and blossom in the areas where the other person doesn't.  The husband might be a better cook, but the wife might be better at the laundry.  The wife might be better at finances, but the husband might be better at taking care of maintenance issues.  Each person has their strengths and weaknesses and works to balance the other one out and work as a team.

I love the verse provided in this chapter of The Love Dare, Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.  But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."

So back to the first example, how many of you know spouses who kick their counterpart when they are down, tear them up in their shortcomings, and rip them apart with words, actions, and gossip?  Not only do I know plenty, I have been and sometimes am guilty of this myself!  Rather than bludgeoning our spouses to death with our words, actions, and gossip, God has called us to support them in their shortcomings.

While the chapter reminds me of how I am supposed to be a support to James instead of being critical.  The chapter actually dares me to "Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success.  Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.  If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you."

Basically, if I were to tear down James to his face or to friends, I'd be tearing myself down.  Sometimes we end up treating our spouse as our enemy, we don't want to do anything for them to help them.  Think of this though, Romans 12:20 states, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."  If we are supposed to take care of our enemy when they have needs, how much more should we be doing for our spouses who are our partners NOT our enemies!

As a team, James and I make decisions.  We consult each other about everything.  At times, I'll mean to not tell him something, maybe because it's something little that honestly doesn't matter, then I'll end up telling him anyway.  We have an open relationship where we depend on each other's opinions and differences to help us to make the right decisions.  Sometimes we give advice and the other chooses not to take it.  However, the balance still remains.  We advise each other but we don't boss each other around.  Completing one another isn't about fixing one another, it's about being the couple that God intended for us to be.

We aren't perfect but we make plans to do things right.  I decided early on in our marriage that I would never publicly tear him down or humiliate him.  I succeed much more often than I fail, because I planned to do it right.  He does the same, but he's even nicer.  He tends to build me up and say nice things about me in front of other people.  We also agreed that any big purchases would be talked about first.  Though, we aren't always in agreement over the purchases each other makes.  However, what we have done right is putting an importance on dialogue between us and realizing that we affect each others lives.  The power of a spouse can be used to bring completion to a marriage or dissention to a marriage, the choice is yours.

Dare Thirty Two: Sex

I knew this day would come.  Since The Love Dare is a book about the marriage relationship, there eventually had to be a chapter about sex.  Much of marriage is emotional and intellectual, but obviously marriage is also physical.  How else do you think couples get all those little people running around?

I see no reason to disclose the specifics of this dare to the world, or the intimate details of my physical relationship with my husband.  Still, there is plenty to blog about.

Many women have their views of sex tainted by what the world has to say on the topic.  The media makes sex out to be some cheap pleasure meant for any person, any time.  Sex In the City, soap operas, and every other movie make it seem unusual for a woman to remain loyal to one man.  In fact, they make it look exciting for women to be "empowered" or in control of their own sex life.  Let me reassure you that this is a lie.  What is empowering is the grace of God covering the life of a married woman who keeps her marriage bed pure.  She is no less in control of her sex life and no less bold.  She knows that sex is about love, not power, not lust, and not even about pleasure.  The world says that sex is about pleasure and about the individual, but God says sex is about the oneness of marriage and about sharing genuine love.  I prefer to accept the authentic version and not some cheap Hollywood mimic.

I would imagine some people do not want to hear that sex is not all about them being pleased.  Too bad.  Selfish sex is not God's intention.  Which is why it is so terrible when a woman empowers herself by holding back something that means so much to her husband.  Many, many, many men receive love by physical interaction, by withholding sex women are withholding respect and love.  If you are a woman who cannot understand why your relationship with your husband is so poor, yet you keep your body from your husband, then you may need to rethink your decision.  The Bible says in I Corinthians 7:4, "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."  Basically, withholding the precious gift of sex from your husband is wrong.  It causes a separation that is not intended in the marriage relationship.

It's never too late to accept the real deal and put away being selfish.  Whether your sex life has been tainted by Hollywood's cheap imitations or by keeping yourself from your husband, God can renew your sex life with your husband.  Sex is God's plan, not just for baby making, but also for unity.  Consider me bold, but I'm going to include some Godly tips for renewing the physical relationship in marriage.

1.  Pray with your husband about your sex life.  God cares about every aspect of your marriage and sex in marriage is in no way shameful.  Ask God to bless your sex life and He will.

2.  Make time to talk.  Yes, I know talking seems to have nothing to do with sex, but how can you have an authentic loving physical relationship if you do not talk to each other and know each others daily joys and pains.  Talking is a very important part of intimacy.

3.  Confirm your husband!  Build him up.  Tell him the good things he does.  Praise him for being the provider, the fixer, or the strong one of the household.  If you want him to act like a manly man in your physical relationship, then make sure he feels like a manly man in your marriage.

4.  Accept his advances.  Don't push away his arm or tell him that you are too busy.  For Pete's sake, don't tell him you have a headache!  As his wife, accept him, confirm him, and let him pursue you.

5.  Make time to . . . yunno!  Set time apart in the day or at least in the week that is made a priority.  Make your physical relationship an important part of your marriage relationship.

6.  Get the kids out of the bed.  I know this sounds harsh, but it is so important that a man and wife have the marriage bed to themselves.  Sharing on occasion is not bad, but the lack of physical intimacy caused by having children always in the bed can cause serious problems to a marriage.

Marriage and sex are God's idea.  As a spouse, you must consider how to care for your husband emotionally, intellectually, and physically.  For the wife that refuses to consider her husband in this manner, she is dooming her own marriage.  I honestly believe this.  Tend your marriage and love your husband completely.

Dare Thirty One: Leaving for good . . .

"A man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife;

and they shall become one flesh." - Genesis 2:24

Ha, ha, I am sure I got somebody with that title.  Seriously though, this chapter was about the need to leave the child-parent relationship to be joined in the wife-husband marriage.  However, the first thing this chapter of the Love Dare made me think of was the expectations that James and I had for each other because of the different style homes in which we were raised.  As is more and more common, we both came from homes with divorced parents.  Therefore, some of our expectations were not built upon true life, but fairytales of how our homes "should have" been.

At times, I would think that James needed to say "Yes, dear" and let me do all the decorating and planning for the house.  However, that's not the way James works.  My expectations were that women (in particular me, because I am an Interior Designer) should have full control over the decorating decisions of the home, but James happens to care about home decor and enjoys having a say in how I put together the home.  Most times, we compromise and work together, though not always without difficulty.

James came from a home where everyone was in the kitchen, ladies and men.  Everyone helped with the cooking and it was a family affair.  For me, I was used to no men in the kitchen, and normally, only one lady at a time in the kitchen.  It took us years to work out the compromise on this one!  Whenever I'd be cooking, he'd come in and start advising.  Then I'd get mad and tell him to do it himself.  Or he'd be cooking and ask me to come in and help.  I would be upset to have to do anything when my expectations were that the cook who started it better finish it.  These days, I spend a little more time in the kitchen with James and we've learned how to cook together. 

So, back to the dare, "Is there a "leaving" issue you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet?  Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right.  The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it.  Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship."

Thankfully, we both don't really have "leaving" issues.  Chaplain Park gave us a little advice when we were in pre-marital counseling.  He said that it was extremely important for each of us to let go of the way our past relationships were with our parents and to realize that our new marriage relationship was more important.  I really feel that having that knowledge helped us to be aware of how our relationship with our parents affected our marriage.  If one of our parents said something that would cause dissention in our marriage, we have stood up for our marriage partner.

I realized a few years into marriage that when I had really exciting or really bad news I would call my mother or my friends before I would call my husband.  I would let them get excited with me or let them get upset with me.  I cannot be sure but I think one day in a marriage class with my old church they expressed the need to go first to our spouses with our joys and troubles.  In a sense, how can we expect our spouses to have the "right" reactions if we are not giving them the full emotion of our joys and sorrows?  We gave the biggest emotion to the first person we called, we gave the next biggest emotion to the second person we called, then by the time we get to our husband . . . we express our tale, but he doesn't seem to share it with empathy.  Duh!  The message was lost in translation!

Anyway, once I learned that this is an area to watch, I began to ask myself who I should call about things.  Is this something that I should share first with my husband, or is it trivial enough that I can go to someone else first?  If it's big to you, let it be big to him!  When James deployed, I did rely on my family and friends for support.  That's what they are there for.  But I had to make an intentional effort to make communication with him a priority.  I had to transfer that "first call" back to him.  So be at ease, if I ever get sent to jail, I won't be calling you!

This kind of goes back to the last dare post, but my issue has not been the "leaving" as much as it is the "cleaving."  However, when we realize that God does not intend for us to depend on anyone else so much as our husband, we should abandon ourselves to cleaving to our husbands for dear life.  Our affections should not be stolen away by anyone or anything.  I just know that I want to make my unity with James an intentional act rather than a distant consideration.  When we chose each other and stood at the altar, we made a commitment and that commitment stands intentional.

Dare Thirty: Priority Check!

What do I think of when I think of unity?  I think of the unity candle when we were married.  Symbolic, but slightly empty with so much else going on that day.  Unity does not mean a lot in our society.  The word is scarcely used yet it brings images to mind of some religious cult that says “Ohmmmm” too much.  Once again, the definition of a word is lost due to misuse and disuse.

According to Merriam-Webster Unity means: the state or quality of not being multiple – oneness; a condition of harmony – accord; a quality or state of being made one – unification.  I am not sure about you, but sometimes marriage does not feel like oneness, harmoniousness, or unification.  He wants to do what he wants to do, and I want to do what I want to do.  I do something and he gets mad, or he does something and I get mad.  We tend to be unified in our decisions about Josiah, but in other things we are divided.  While God did make us two separate beings, I’m starting to understand that He has a better plan for our marriage than for us to exist outside of unity.

The dare today reads, “Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it.  Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse.  Pray that He would do the same for them.  And if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.”

Let’s just be frank, sometimes the military is a huge drain on our marriage.  My husband gets home late, I want to spend time with him, he is tired, and then we both feel discontented.  I really do support my husband in his career, but sometimes it is hard to get the leftovers of his time day after day.  After a while of busy schedules and late hours, I feel completely disconnected and start to make decisions that benefit me instead of considering him as a part of my plans.  I think I may have isolated that “one area of division” in our marriage.

Even though the problem may seem like the busy schedule that is delegated by the military or by my schoolwork, the truth is it’s a mindset.  I get unhappy with the way things are and I disengage.  Hello!  If I find myself drifting away from my one partner for life, the one to whom I gave my heart, my lifetime best friend, why in the world would I simply emotionally disengage from our relationship?  That really does not sound smart, but I am going to bet that I’m not the only one who does this.

When I feel us drifting apart emotionally, when I feel the stress of our schedules begin to beat us down, when I feel like I could not care less how he spends his time, I need to press the imaginary alarm button in my mind that reads, “Priority Check!”  My unity with my husband is worth turning off the television, it’s worth getting a babysitter, and it’s worth stopping everything to reconnect.  When life starts to threaten the beautiful unity of my marriage, I have got to sound the alarm!  I must not waste any time in tightening back the bond of marriage and it is worth every ounce of effort.