Dare Thirty Five: From Isolation to Community

I make a mistake quite often in my marriage.  I assume that my marriage is my business and that keeping others out of our trials is natural.  If I share anything, it is often out of frustration and eventually maybe out of desperation.  Blogging about the Love Dare has been a small change in the openness level about my marriage, but just because I am blogging into cyberspace does not mean I am interacting with specific individuals about the joys and trials of my marriage.

The truth?  My marriage is in isolation.

This chapter of the Love Dare is about accountability.  It challenges me to “Find a marriage mentor – someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and living with you.  If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment.  During this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment.”  While that should be easy to do, my husband and I do not have a strong relationship with any other Christian couple.  Ouch!  Did I just admit that?  We know other couples in our church, great couples in our church.  However, we have been too busy to really devote ourselves to getting to know other couples.

The Bible tells us about accountability in Hebrews 3:13 “Encourage one another day after day . . .  so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”  James and I cannot be encouraged if we are not around anyone who knows what is going on in our lives and marriage.  I have friends and James has friends, but so far, our marriage has been our business.  Maybe we actually shy away from that level of deepness with others because they might see that we are human.  Oh wait, we are all human . . . rats.

Upon this realization comes a responsibility to change for the glory of God by the power of God.  I realize that if I remain unmoved and apathetic to our current state of isolation I am actually putting up a wall in an area where God can touch our marriage and lives.  God is the only one who can take down the walls that James and I have built.  We have to let people in.  Even more so, we must actually seek relationships with other couples rather than pretending that it is okay to go it alone.  Healthy conviction, advice, and encouragement need not come from a book, but instead they can come from healthy relationships between couples who are following God with all that they are.

Dare Thirty Two: Sex

I knew this day would come.  Since The Love Dare is a book about the marriage relationship, there eventually had to be a chapter about sex.  Much of marriage is emotional and intellectual, but obviously marriage is also physical.  How else do you think couples get all those little people running around?

I see no reason to disclose the specifics of this dare to the world, or the intimate details of my physical relationship with my husband.  Still, there is plenty to blog about.

Many women have their views of sex tainted by what the world has to say on the topic.  The media makes sex out to be some cheap pleasure meant for any person, any time.  Sex In the City, soap operas, and every other movie make it seem unusual for a woman to remain loyal to one man.  In fact, they make it look exciting for women to be "empowered" or in control of their own sex life.  Let me reassure you that this is a lie.  What is empowering is the grace of God covering the life of a married woman who keeps her marriage bed pure.  She is no less in control of her sex life and no less bold.  She knows that sex is about love, not power, not lust, and not even about pleasure.  The world says that sex is about pleasure and about the individual, but God says sex is about the oneness of marriage and about sharing genuine love.  I prefer to accept the authentic version and not some cheap Hollywood mimic.

I would imagine some people do not want to hear that sex is not all about them being pleased.  Too bad.  Selfish sex is not God's intention.  Which is why it is so terrible when a woman empowers herself by holding back something that means so much to her husband.  Many, many, many men receive love by physical interaction, by withholding sex women are withholding respect and love.  If you are a woman who cannot understand why your relationship with your husband is so poor, yet you keep your body from your husband, then you may need to rethink your decision.  The Bible says in I Corinthians 7:4, "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."  Basically, withholding the precious gift of sex from your husband is wrong.  It causes a separation that is not intended in the marriage relationship.

It's never too late to accept the real deal and put away being selfish.  Whether your sex life has been tainted by Hollywood's cheap imitations or by keeping yourself from your husband, God can renew your sex life with your husband.  Sex is God's plan, not just for baby making, but also for unity.  Consider me bold, but I'm going to include some Godly tips for renewing the physical relationship in marriage.

1.  Pray with your husband about your sex life.  God cares about every aspect of your marriage and sex in marriage is in no way shameful.  Ask God to bless your sex life and He will.

2.  Make time to talk.  Yes, I know talking seems to have nothing to do with sex, but how can you have an authentic loving physical relationship if you do not talk to each other and know each others daily joys and pains.  Talking is a very important part of intimacy.

3.  Confirm your husband!  Build him up.  Tell him the good things he does.  Praise him for being the provider, the fixer, or the strong one of the household.  If you want him to act like a manly man in your physical relationship, then make sure he feels like a manly man in your marriage.

4.  Accept his advances.  Don't push away his arm or tell him that you are too busy.  For Pete's sake, don't tell him you have a headache!  As his wife, accept him, confirm him, and let him pursue you.

5.  Make time to . . . yunno!  Set time apart in the day or at least in the week that is made a priority.  Make your physical relationship an important part of your marriage relationship.

6.  Get the kids out of the bed.  I know this sounds harsh, but it is so important that a man and wife have the marriage bed to themselves.  Sharing on occasion is not bad, but the lack of physical intimacy caused by having children always in the bed can cause serious problems to a marriage.

Marriage and sex are God's idea.  As a spouse, you must consider how to care for your husband emotionally, intellectually, and physically.  For the wife that refuses to consider her husband in this manner, she is dooming her own marriage.  I honestly believe this.  Tend your marriage and love your husband completely.

Dare Four: Being Thoughtful About My Love



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I consider myself to be a relatively thoughtful person, so when I saw that yesterday's dare was about thoughtfulness I was convinced I had it made.  The dare presented in day 4 was to "contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or he is doing and if there is anything you could do for them."  I mean, how hard can the dare be?

First, I called James, and immediately I began talking about the different events of the day.  He was asking about how things were going, and I was letting him know about cute things my little guy had done that day and what I was doing that day.  Whoops!  Half the phone call had already went by and I had not asked him about his day nor had I asked him if I could help him in anyway.  I tried to salvage the mission by asking him how he was doing and about his day.  James does not divulge information about his day without me having to ask more questions, so by the time I got around to pulling out a few details from his day he had to go.  That was not much of a "thoughtful" phone call.  All I thought about was me and my day!

Since this call was in the morning, I figured that I could call again in the afternoon to check in and do more to complete the dare requirements.  I called him back and he was busy.  He called me back and I was busy.  Finally, I got him late in the day and we chatted a bit but I never got to ask him if I could do anything for him.  Sometimes life does not agree with our best laid plans.

What I realized though is how I might think that I am thoughtful, but when I am talking to my husband I think about me.  I think about what I want to tell him and about my day, but I do not often stop to ask about his day and what is going on with his life.  As a woman, mother, and wife I really get caught up into thinking that the child raising, house cleaning, relationships, and Facebook dramas are somehow more important than my husband's life at work.  I am being selfish.  While I may have thoughtful tendencies, I need to be involved in my husband's life even when he is at work.  No, I am not going to be the over-possessive wife that calls to monitor his every move or ask every detail of his day, but when I ask him how his day went I need to mean it.  He does not tell me about his work life not because it is not relevant to him, but because he has come to expect that I do not care.  When I choose to be thoughtful about my love for James, I have to care about him when he is here and him when he is gone from me.

He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.  Proverbs 22:11