Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Dare Thirty One: Leaving for good . . .

"A man shall leave his father and mother, and be joined to his wife;
and they shall become one flesh." - Genesis 2:24

Ha, ha, I am sure I got somebody with that title.  Seriously though, this chapter was about the need to leave the child-parent relationship to be joined in the wife-husband marriage.  However, the first thing this chapter of the Love Dare made me think of was the expectations that James and I had for each other because of the different style homes in which we were raised.  As is more and more common, we both came from homes with divorced parents.  Therefore, some of our expectations were not built upon true life, but fairytales of how our homes "should have" been.

At times, I would think that James needed to say "Yes, dear" and let me do all the decorating and planning for the house.  However, that's not the way James works.  My expectations were that women (in particular me, because I am an Interior Designer) should have full control over the decorating decisions of the home, but James happens to care about home decor and enjoys having a say in how I put together the home.  Most times, we compromise and work together, though not always without difficulty.

James came from a home where everyone was in the kitchen, ladies and men.  Everyone helped with the cooking and it was a family affair.  For me, I was used to no men in the kitchen, and normally, only one lady at a time in the kitchen.  It took us years to work out the compromise on this one!  Whenever I'd be cooking, he'd come in and start advising.  Then I'd get mad and tell him to do it himself.  Or he'd be cooking and ask me to come in and help.  I would be upset to have to do anything when my expectations were that the cook who started it better finish it.  These days, I spend a little more time in the kitchen with James and we've learned how to cook together. 

So, back to the dare, "Is there a "leaving" issue you haven't been brave enough to conquer yet?  Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right.  The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it.  Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship."

Thankfully, we both don't really have "leaving" issues.  Chaplain Park gave us a little advice when we were in pre-marital counseling.  He said that it was extremely important for each of us to let go of the way our past relationships were with our parents and to realize that our new marriage relationship was more important.  I really feel that having that knowledge helped us to be aware of how our relationship with our parents affected our marriage.  If one of our parents said something that would cause dissention in our marriage, we have stood up for our marriage partner.

I realized a few years into marriage that when I had really exciting or really bad news I would call my mother or my friends before I would call my husband.  I would let them get excited with me or let them get upset with me.  I cannot be sure but I think one day in a marriage class with my old church they expressed the need to go first to our spouses with our joys and troubles.  In a sense, how can we expect our spouses to have the "right" reactions if we are not giving them the full emotion of our joys and sorrows?  We gave the biggest emotion to the first person we called, we gave the next biggest emotion to the second person we called, then by the time we get to our husband . . . we express our tale, but he doesn't seem to share it with empathy.  Duh!  The message was lost in translation!

Anyway, once I learned that this is an area to watch, I began to ask myself who I should call about things.  Is this something that I should share first with my husband, or is it trivial enough that I can go to someone else first?  If it's big to you, let it be big to him!  When James deployed, I did rely on my family and friends for support.  That's what they are there for.  But I had to make an intentional effort to make communication with him a priority.  I had to transfer that "first call" back to him.  So be at ease, if I ever get sent to jail, I won't be calling you!

This kind of goes back to the last dare post, but my issue has not been the "leaving" as much as it is the "cleaving."  However, when we realize that God does not intend for us to depend on anyone else so much as our husband, we should abandon ourselves to cleaving to our husbands for dear life.  Our affections should not be stolen away by anyone or anything.  I just know that I want to make my unity with James an intentional act rather than a distant consideration.  When we chose each other and stood at the altar, we made a commitment and that commitment stands intentional.

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