Dare Seventeen: It’s a Secret

I am a pretty good secret keeper.  If someone tells me something, I never go to another person and blab, “So, do you know what ____ told me?”  However, I have at times told a “secret” that should have been kept between me and my husband.  Maybe I was talking with the girls and wanted to share my husband’s worst problem or maybe I was mad at him for the day and let the “secret” slip.  The secret doesn’t even have to be really bad things.  Maybe he didn’t take out the trash, or he promised to set the alarm and didn’t.  The reason for it to be a secret is because I do not have to broadcast to the world my husband’s personal struggles or failures.

Yesterday’s dare was in regards to secret keeping.  “Determine to guard your mate's secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them.  Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues.  Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you.  Make them feel safe.”  While the book did not go into detail what the secrets may be, I realize that because of a husband and wife’s intimate relationship (intimate meaning super close and knowing every detail about each other) we will ultimately know things about each other that no one else knows.  In order to make my husband feel safe, he has to have faith that I will be his protector and guard his secrets how silly they may be.

When we first married, I was more than willing to let any ear hear about our fights and his shortcomings.  Why shouldn’t everyone know that James had failures too?  I quickly realized that sharing these “secrets” made me feel better at his expense.  Sure, I was elevated for the moment as seeming better than him, but I brought him down in other’s eyes.  I did not like lowering him in other’s eyes.  In fact, I began to realize that I wanted others to see what a fantastic guy I married and to bring him up.

That change was dramatic.  Instead of broadcasting his failures, I always make sure to tell others about how wonderful he is.  And he is wonderful.  Not because he never messes up, but because he is my husband and I am his support.  God has given me the amazing job of building him up, and I am not doing that job if I am tearing him down.  I choose to make him feel safe in our relationship.  When he shares his struggles, he trusts that the conversation is between only him and me and that he won’t be seeing his struggles being posted on Facebook or hearing about them from my friend’s spouses.  The “secrets” are for me to build him up in prayer and to show him that I am there for him, and not for me to tear him down.

While I am not perfect in regards to keeping James’s every shortcoming a secret, I think I make sure everyone knows that James is the most wonderful man that I know.  He is a great father and someone that I learn so much from day to day.  I have faith in his leadership, and I trust his judgment.  Instead of bringing him down, I choose to build him up.

Dare Sixteen: Dare to Pray

About a year ago, I began reading the book Power of a Praying Wife, and I never finished it.  Yesterday's dare reminds me about that book because the dare challenged me to “begin praying today for your spouse’s heart.  Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse’s life and in your marriage.”  Both Power of a Praying Wife and The Love Dare make me think there must be something to praying for my spouse.  As if as a wife, I am made to lift him up in prayer.

The chapter mentions that we as spouses recognize all of the negative traits and habits of our spouses.  The reason the book gives for this insight and awareness is that I am supposed to be the best possible person to lift up my husband in prayer.  Since I know him more intimately than any other person, I can pray for him better than any other person.

Let me tell you, when I notice one of James’s negative traits, my first thought is not to drop to my knees in prayer.  Even if I did pray, my first tendency would be to ask God why and to pray that God fixes him.  However, that is not what the love dare is suggesting.  As his teammate, I should recognize his faults and lift them up to God for his power.  Sometimes in lifting them up to God, God might show me that I am the one who has the faulty thinking and not James.  In addition, God can work in James’s heart where I cannot, and He can work in my heart when I cannot.  Prayer invites God into the situation.  Prayer invites God into the marriage.

I feel challenged to step up my praying in regards to James.  While I have a whole section of my prayer journal dedicated to James, sometimes I skip over it in order to pray for "more pressing matters".  What is more pressing than my husband and my marriage?  Sometimes I think I have more important things going on in the day than to stop to pray at all.  I love a quote that I found from Martin Luther, it reads, “Work, work, from morning until late at night. In fact, I have so much to do that I shall have to spend the first three hours in prayer.”  I want to have this attitude about prayer!  In John 15:5, Jesus says that we can do nothing apart from him, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”  I want a fruitful life and a fruitful marriage.  Prayer is essential, just as vital as bread and water.  As a wife, I must pray for my husband and my marriage.  As a human, I must pray for those around me and the world.

Dare Fifteen: Interested?

Listening has never been one of my strong points.  Maybe it is because I am highly distractible or maybe because I choose not to be interested, but listening does not seem to be second nature for me.  When the dare told me to: “choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her.  It might be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes.”  I immediately knew that listening would be a good way to honor James and to show him that he is esteemed by me, especially since I normally take the “I’m too distracted to listen” approach.

Concentration and interest are pivotal for listening.  Sometimes when James wants to talk about something (whether the topic is banjos, cooking, or an article he has read), I am normally not interested and not even trying to concentrate.  Why should I concentrate when the topic has no importance to me?  Yes, I really am that awful.  So yesterday, whenever he began to talk with me about a topic, I stopped everything, made eye contact, and feigned an interest.  Whoops!  Did I write that last part?  I guess the truth is I have trained myself so much to show no interest to things James is interested in that I actually had to fake an interest to show him love.  While this may seem insincere, the truth is, sometimes we have to force ourselves to do things until we do them naturally.

I may not have an express interest in woodworking a banjo or baking bread, but the more I pay attention to James and his interests, the more my interest will build.  Just like someone can tell themselves a lie that they begin to believe, I can tell myself the truth and I will begin to believe it.  Right now, I realize that I need to keep telling myself that I am interested in my husband and his interests.  Of course, I love James, but I have pushed away a lot of the things that makes James who he is.  I have to embrace him and who he is, which includes a world of trumpets, historical landmark visiting, woodworking, cooking and baking, photography, and any new hobby that he takes on.  By rejecting his interests, I have been telling him that I do not esteem him enough to be interested in him, in who he is as a person.  That has to change.

Through the dare’s challenge to honor James, I have realized that I have to honor him exactly the way that he is.  In order to honor him, I have to honor everything that makes him who he is a person.  I cannot show distain on his interests, but then tell him that I honor him.  I esteem him for the fact that he is the man that I married five years ago.  He is a man of many talents.  He shows his positive attitude by showing interest in anything and everything around him.  I could take a few tips from him.  Disinterest is dishonoring, and just as I want to honor James, I need to honor God by showing interest in all that He has created.  By honoring James, I also honor my Jesus.

Dare Fourteen: Yes (Wo)Man!

I came close to failing this dare.  The dare asked me to “purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.  Do something he or she would love to do or a project they’d really like to work on.  Just be together.”  Sometimes life has responsibilities that cannot be ignored like children and schoolwork.  I couldn’t exactly drop my schoolwork, nor could I just stop taking care of Josiah, so I didn’t complete the dare yesterday . . . but I did complete the dare today.

Monday’s end up being my rest up day from the weekend or my day for getting everything done for the rest of the week.  However, in honor of the dare, I did not rest up and just relax all day, and I did not dive in on my schoolwork.  Instead, I got ready for the day . . . and joined James in cleaning the house.  Why did he want to go and clean the house on my Monday?  I really did not want to clean the house today, but together we picked up our room, together we picked up the living room, and together we went through our messy cabinet in the kitchen.

The idea of the dare was taking delight in my spouse and to do something he wanted to do appreciating him while I did it.  Whew!  That was hard, when what he wanted to do was clean the house.  I had to appreciate his determination, I had to appreciate his resolve, but I really did not want to appreciate his decision to clean.  I did not delight in cleaning, but I delight in him.  Where is the balance in delighting in a spouse and delighting in the things that they want to do? 

When we dated, I chose to be interested in things he was interested in, but in marriage, I have begun to make a clear distinction between “Brooke likes” and “James likes”.  Only, I think that the distinctions were made because I decided that I was happy just thinking about myself and what I want to do, not thinking about James and what his interests are.  While I won’t be interested in everything he likes to do, I should care enough to participate and be excited about his interests.  Sometimes, my lack of quality time with James is a result of me being self-centered.

I need to recognize when I am being reasonable or just being plain selfish when I am considering joining James in an activity.  Honestly, I think that most times I’m just being selfish!  When I am not busy with other legit tasks, I need to just ask myself, “Why not?”  I’ll be an honorary “Yes (wo)man”.  Maybe I’ll learn to like all the interesting yet weird hobbies that James has, if I learn to ask myself “why not” and jump at chances to spend time with him.