Dare Forty: Drum Roll Please!

After intending to finish The Love Dare in the forty days around Valentine's Day . . . I have finished The Love Dare on the 29th of November!  I don't really see the time expanse as a failure, because failing would have entailed rejecting the advice of the book and completely turning away from its list of dares.  I didn't turn away . . . I just got a bit busy.  Perhaps I will think of it as a delayed success.

I have listed on this blog forty dares and forty thoughts that accompanied those forty dares.  I have forty days that I spent specifically considering my marriage and my husband above many other things in life.  I got to have fun, such as on Valentine's Day, and I got to be a little creative, such as in the blog I Cherish You, and overall, I really think it was a great experience.

What's really great about ending the Dare on this day is that I just found out James started the dare two days ago!  Almost a year later, he's doing The Love Dare on his own.  I couldn't make him and I couldn't nag him into doing it.  Sure, I really wanted him to do it with me, but he would have done it begrudgingly before.  Being on the receiving end of The Love Dare, I'm in heaven.  Though it's tempting to make it hard on him, refer to the first dare.  I guess I'll behave myself!

Words of the final dare, "write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home.  Perhaps, if appropriate, you could make arrangements to formally renew your wedding vows before a minister and with family present.  Make it a living testament to the value of marriage in God's eyes and the high honor of being one with your mate."

The chapter expressed how the wedding vows are the words of a covenant.  My husband and I are not in a contract that might bind with pen and paper even if the legal system might think so.  James and I are in a covenant that is upheld through God's power, not our own.  If we think we are the best couple ever and we'll never mess up, then we will mess up.  If we are anything better than ordinary then it is through God's power alone.

I appreciate any of you who have visited my blog and supported me on this endeavour.  I'm sure you thought I'd never finish!  I did!  I'm thinking about starting on another book to support our marriage, like Love & Respect or Power of a Praying Wife.  Keep checking back . . . maybe I'll blog about that too!

Dare Thirty Nine: Love Never Loses

The Thirty Ninth dare states, "Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitemnt and resolve to your spouse.  Include why you are committing to this marriage until death, and that you have purposed to love them no matter what.  Leave it in a place that your mate will find it."

Here's what I wrote:

About the Chapter . . .
Let me rephrase, true love never loses. God is love, God is the Word of God, so a marriage built on the Word of God is unshaken. We've all heard "Love never fails," but what does it really mean? What does it mean to fail? I'm looking it up, hold on . . .

To fail is:	Instead love is:
To lose strength: weaken	To gain strength: reinforce
To fade or die away	To grow and flourish
To stop functioning normally	To get better, gain familiarity
To fall short	To make it together, succeed
To be or become absent or inadequate	To be always present or sufficient
To be unsuccessful	To be successful in the relationship
To become insolvent	To be prosperous in marriage
To disappoint the expectations or trust of	To exceed the expectations or trust of
To miss performing an expected service or function for	To triumph in performing an expected service or function for
To be deficient in	To be abundant in
To leave undone: neglect	To leave nothing undone: attend and care for

Love never failing means loving them in spite of it all, no matter what.

Dare Thirty Eight: The Cinderella Concept

Picture from my Cinderella DVD

This dare is so challenging.  I realize how truly selfish I am as I think about today’s dare.  The dare is for me to “Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable.  Commit this to prayer, and start mapping out a plan for meeting some (if not all) of their desires, to whatever level you possibly can.”  But why am I supposed to be making his dreams come true?

I want to be Cinderella.  I want my handsome prince to make my dreams come true.  I want him to have his white horse (or maybe a white limo), a grandiose castle, and I want everything to be planned and go as planned.  I want him to make my dreams come true, all of them.  It gets worse.  In my selfish Cinderella mindset, I do not want to worry about taking care of the prince!  I want him to rub his own feet, fold his own socks, and pick up his plate after dinner.  As for his dreams, I should be his dream, right?

I say this and you may laugh, but don’t many of us truly buy into this Cinderella Concept?  In our minds, we as women are to be his princess, his prize, his dream.  His dreams, those that are not fulfilled by our very presence, are his problem.  Okay, so it doesn’t always go this far, but you get my point.  Sometimes I get into the mindset that James needs to take care of me and make my dreams come true, but I leave his dreams out on the front porch getting cold (or in Mississippi getting ridiculously hot . . .).

Granted my husband’s short term dreams change with the tide, but I need to pay attention to his dreams.  If he currently wants to better himself or the house in some way, I have to not only buy into that, but align myself to making it happen in any way I can.  If he sets a goal for himself, I have to show my love for him by supporting him enough to do all I can to help him accomplish that goal.  His dreams need to be my dreams.  He’s not a prince and I’m not a princess.  We have to look to each other to bring our dreams into reality.  He can’t call a castle servant to serve me dinner on command, and I can’t wave a magic wand and have the entire house clean in minutes.  We each have to work out of love to bring about each others needs, wants, and dreams.

His dreams are my concern.  I am not Cinderella nor am I a fairy tale princess.  Life does not live happily ever after without applying some elbow grease.  My husband dreams of a wife that considers his wants as much as my own wants.  My husband dreams of having my respect him as much as I respect myself.  Sometimes if I don’t feel loved, I don’t respect.  However, love loves regardless of how I feel at the moment.  I cannot just love him when I feel up to it.  His dreams are my concern.

Lately, I’ve been little Miss Cinderella.  I have completely dismissed so many things that James has been asking me about.  Stupid things really.  Things that I could have stepped up to easily, if I had not had such a diva mindset.  God set us on this earth to serve others, not ourselves.  I must to set aside the Cinderella Concept and start making my husband’s dreams come true. 

Dare Thirty Five: From Isolation to Community

I make a mistake quite often in my marriage.  I assume that my marriage is my business and that keeping others out of our trials is natural.  If I share anything, it is often out of frustration and eventually maybe out of desperation.  Blogging about the Love Dare has been a small change in the openness level about my marriage, but just because I am blogging into cyberspace does not mean I am interacting with specific individuals about the joys and trials of my marriage.

The truth?  My marriage is in isolation.

This chapter of the Love Dare is about accountability.  It challenges me to “Find a marriage mentor – someone who is a strong Christian and who will be honest and living with you.  If you feel that counseling is needed, then take the first step to set up an appointment.  During this process, ask God to direct your decisions and discernment.”  While that should be easy to do, my husband and I do not have a strong relationship with any other Christian couple.  Ouch!  Did I just admit that?  We know other couples in our church, great couples in our church.  However, we have been too busy to really devote ourselves to getting to know other couples.

The Bible tells us about accountability in Hebrews 3:13 “Encourage one another day after day . . .  so that none of you will be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.”  James and I cannot be encouraged if we are not around anyone who knows what is going on in our lives and marriage.  I have friends and James has friends, but so far, our marriage has been our business.  Maybe we actually shy away from that level of deepness with others because they might see that we are human.  Oh wait, we are all human . . . rats.

Upon this realization comes a responsibility to change for the glory of God by the power of God.  I realize that if I remain unmoved and apathetic to our current state of isolation I am actually putting up a wall in an area where God can touch our marriage and lives.  God is the only one who can take down the walls that James and I have built.  We have to let people in.  Even more so, we must actually seek relationships with other couples rather than pretending that it is okay to go it alone.  Healthy conviction, advice, and encouragement need not come from a book, but instead they can come from healthy relationships between couples who are following God with all that they are.

Dare Thirty Two: Sex

I knew this day would come.  Since The Love Dare is a book about the marriage relationship, there eventually had to be a chapter about sex.  Much of marriage is emotional and intellectual, but obviously marriage is also physical.  How else do you think couples get all those little people running around?

I see no reason to disclose the specifics of this dare to the world, or the intimate details of my physical relationship with my husband.  Still, there is plenty to blog about.

Many women have their views of sex tainted by what the world has to say on the topic.  The media makes sex out to be some cheap pleasure meant for any person, any time.  Sex In the City, soap operas, and every other movie make it seem unusual for a woman to remain loyal to one man.  In fact, they make it look exciting for women to be "empowered" or in control of their own sex life.  Let me reassure you that this is a lie.  What is empowering is the grace of God covering the life of a married woman who keeps her marriage bed pure.  She is no less in control of her sex life and no less bold.  She knows that sex is about love, not power, not lust, and not even about pleasure.  The world says that sex is about pleasure and about the individual, but God says sex is about the oneness of marriage and about sharing genuine love.  I prefer to accept the authentic version and not some cheap Hollywood mimic.

I would imagine some people do not want to hear that sex is not all about them being pleased.  Too bad.  Selfish sex is not God's intention.  Which is why it is so terrible when a woman empowers herself by holding back something that means so much to her husband.  Many, many, many men receive love by physical interaction, by withholding sex women are withholding respect and love.  If you are a woman who cannot understand why your relationship with your husband is so poor, yet you keep your body from your husband, then you may need to rethink your decision.  The Bible says in I Corinthians 7:4, "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."  Basically, withholding the precious gift of sex from your husband is wrong.  It causes a separation that is not intended in the marriage relationship.

It's never too late to accept the real deal and put away being selfish.  Whether your sex life has been tainted by Hollywood's cheap imitations or by keeping yourself from your husband, God can renew your sex life with your husband.  Sex is God's plan, not just for baby making, but also for unity.  Consider me bold, but I'm going to include some Godly tips for renewing the physical relationship in marriage.

1.  Pray with your husband about your sex life.  God cares about every aspect of your marriage and sex in marriage is in no way shameful.  Ask God to bless your sex life and He will.

2.  Make time to talk.  Yes, I know talking seems to have nothing to do with sex, but how can you have an authentic loving physical relationship if you do not talk to each other and know each others daily joys and pains.  Talking is a very important part of intimacy.

3.  Confirm your husband!  Build him up.  Tell him the good things he does.  Praise him for being the provider, the fixer, or the strong one of the household.  If you want him to act like a manly man in your physical relationship, then make sure he feels like a manly man in your marriage.

4.  Accept his advances.  Don't push away his arm or tell him that you are too busy.  For Pete's sake, don't tell him you have a headache!  As his wife, accept him, confirm him, and let him pursue you.

5.  Make time to . . . yunno!  Set time apart in the day or at least in the week that is made a priority.  Make your physical relationship an important part of your marriage relationship.

6.  Get the kids out of the bed.  I know this sounds harsh, but it is so important that a man and wife have the marriage bed to themselves.  Sharing on occasion is not bad, but the lack of physical intimacy caused by having children always in the bed can cause serious problems to a marriage.

Marriage and sex are God's idea.  As a spouse, you must consider how to care for your husband emotionally, intellectually, and physically.  For the wife that refuses to consider her husband in this manner, she is dooming her own marriage.  I honestly believe this.  Tend your marriage and love your husband completely.

Dare Twenty Nine: Love's not about me

If I don't feel loved, sometimes I don't give love.  If I feel wronged, I feel justified in being a little less cordial.  If I feel angry, I'll show it in a heartbeat.  Honestly?  My attitude is pitiful!  Love is not about me.

Dare Twenty Nine: "Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs.  Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I love you," then express love to them in some tangible way.  Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person -- unconditionally, the way He loves both of you."

This dare was about recognizing that the true motivation of love is not about getting love or about maintaining a perfect marriage.  Love is about God.  We love each other because God first loved us.  The two greatest commandments in the Bible are "Love the Lord your God" and "Love your neighbor."  Even when I don't want to give love, God's love is enough that I might still give love.  The motivation for love is God's call to us to love one another as He loves us.

Colossians 3:17 states, "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."  Even our love in marriage should be done in the name of the Lord.  I am not sure if my love is always comparable to God's love, but I know that God can make it the same.  God's love is unconditional.  So our love, through God's love, should be unconditional towards our spouse.

Unconditional . . . regardless of whether he does something that makes me livid, regardless of whether I'm in a bad mood, regardless of whether I've had a long day, I can and must love my husband.  I keep telling my son that every good and perfect gift is from above.  Love is that good and perfect give and it is my job to appreciate the love that God has given me.

Dare Twenty Two: I love you regardless

To James:  I love you regardless.  No matter what you do or say, you are getting love from me.  The love that I offered on our wedding day was not a whishy washy dependent on you type of love, I offered you a love that was unconditional.  These are the vows that I said on our wedding day:

I do take you James to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, to give and to receive, to speak and to listen, to be loyal to you, till death us do part according to God’s Holy Law.

James, to you, I offer my life, my body, my strength, my support, and my loyalty.  I offer my faith, my hope, and my love in all the changing circumstances of life as long as we both shall live.

The twenty second dare expressed that “love is a choice, not a feeling.  It is an initiated action, not a knee-jerk reaction.  Choose today to be committed to love even if your spouse has lost most of their interest in receiving it.  Say to them today in words similar to these, ‘I love you.  Period.  I choose to love you even if you don’t love me in return.’”  I am blessed.  James does reciprocate my love, but not always the way that I wish he would.  Sometimes it feels like he’s expressing his love in Zulu while I feel that I’m expressing my love in Cupidese.

In response to God’s unconditional love, I can give James love no matter whether he loves me “adequately” or not.  James’s love is not sufficient, God’s is.  My love is not sufficient for James either, only God has the love that is unlike any other.  Sometimes I find myself looking to James for fulfillment in love, but only God can provide that to me.  As I learn to depend on God’s love to fulfill my heart, I want to love James unconditionally with all my heart.

Dare Twenty: Learning to Love Love

I have already placed my faith in Jesus as the Lord of my life and trust in Him for my salvation, but I also realize that in accepting Him daily I must learn to love love.  I John 4:16 says, “God is love,” and if I resist God at all I am resisting unconditional love.  The dare asked me to commit my life to God, “Dare to take God at His word.  Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation.  Dare to pray, ‘Lord Jesus, I’m a sinner.  But you have shown your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and you have proven your power to save me from death by your resurrection.  Lord change my heart, and save me by your grace.’”  While I do trust Jesus for my salvation, I have been sincerely asking God to change my heart.  Instead of keeping God locked up in a room of my heart, I want to make sure that He has free reign in me.

God has been calling me to radically change my life.  I keep feeling his draw to give up certain things for his glory and to live my life in a special way devoted to Him.  One of the things that helped me see that I wasn’t fully abandoned to God’s will was the fact that I was stumbling so regularly in loving James in this dare.  This past week was a rough week for me.  I was selfish, rude, and I was not succeeding in love.  What I realized through the last dare and this one is that I cannot love with unconditional love if Christ does not have my whole heart in which to pour his unconditional love. 

The last two lines of the song I wrote yesterday were “I’ve let go of all I’m grasping for, I’m grasping for you.”  The life that God has called me to live is a life devoted to grasping after Him.  I am learning to hunger and thirst for God like I have never known before.  How does this have to do with the love dare?  I can only love my husband fully if I know the love of God in a real way.  If I tip my hat to God, then go on living my life, I am not receiving God’s unconditional love that I can pour out to my husband.  God loves me unconditionally and in response to that kind of love, I can love unconditionally.  I don’t deserve that kind of love, and sometimes my wonderful yet flawed husband doesn’t deserve that kind of love, but that doesn’t stop God from loving me, and that shouldn’t stop me from loving my husband.

How can it be, That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

Amazing love! How can it be, That Thou, my God, shouldst die for me?

- Charles Wesley

Dare Nineteen: Reaching the end of me

The dare: “Look back over the dares from previous days.  Were there some that seemed impossible to you?  Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love?  Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.”

All I can say about the effect of this dare on my heart is expressed in this song that I wrote as God called me to accept his love into every part of my heart and life.

Grasping for You

I’m down on my knees

I’ve reached the end of me

I’ve done all I can do

I’m nothing without you

Take me to the cross

It’s the starting place

At the foot of the cross

I surrender me to you

I’ve been blinded by my labors

Pressing forward on my own

After all this time of doing

I found myself alone

Take me to the cross

It’s the starting place

At the foot of the cross

I surrender me to you

Abase me for your name

Pour me out for your glory

Empty out my life

Dwell in me today

Take me to the cross

I abandon all I am

I’ve let go of all I’m grasping for

I’m grasping for you

Dare Sixteen: Dare to Pray

About a year ago, I began reading the book Power of a Praying Wife, and I never finished it.  Yesterday's dare reminds me about that book because the dare challenged me to “begin praying today for your spouse’s heart.  Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse’s life and in your marriage.”  Both Power of a Praying Wife and The Love Dare make me think there must be something to praying for my spouse.  As if as a wife, I am made to lift him up in prayer.

The chapter mentions that we as spouses recognize all of the negative traits and habits of our spouses.  The reason the book gives for this insight and awareness is that I am supposed to be the best possible person to lift up my husband in prayer.  Since I know him more intimately than any other person, I can pray for him better than any other person.

Let me tell you, when I notice one of James’s negative traits, my first thought is not to drop to my knees in prayer.  Even if I did pray, my first tendency would be to ask God why and to pray that God fixes him.  However, that is not what the love dare is suggesting.  As his teammate, I should recognize his faults and lift them up to God for his power.  Sometimes in lifting them up to God, God might show me that I am the one who has the faulty thinking and not James.  In addition, God can work in James’s heart where I cannot, and He can work in my heart when I cannot.  Prayer invites God into the situation.  Prayer invites God into the marriage.

I feel challenged to step up my praying in regards to James.  While I have a whole section of my prayer journal dedicated to James, sometimes I skip over it in order to pray for "more pressing matters".  What is more pressing than my husband and my marriage?  Sometimes I think I have more important things going on in the day than to stop to pray at all.  I love a quote that I found from Martin Luther, it reads, “Work, work, from morning until late at night. In fact, I have so much to do that I shall have to spend the first three hours in prayer.”  I want to have this attitude about prayer!  In John 15:5, Jesus says that we can do nothing apart from him, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”  I want a fruitful life and a fruitful marriage.  Prayer is essential, just as vital as bread and water.  As a wife, I must pray for my husband and my marriage.  As a human, I must pray for those around me and the world.

Dare Eleven: I Cherish You

My husband’s mother had surgery for cancer yesterday.  While most of my day went by as normal, in the back of my mind I realized that my husband must really be upset today even if he isn’t showing it.  The dare yesterday was about cherishing my spouse.  “What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand?  Give a back grub or foot massage?  Is there housework you could help with?  Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you” and do it with a smile.”  Cherishing James on that day meant supporting him when part of his world was a little shaky.

My husband loves his mother a ton.  She put her entire life into raising him into an outstanding person.  While James doesn’t always wear his feeling on his sleeve, as his wife, I knew he was upset about her surgery.  I can’t read him like a book, but I know his book by heart.

The need that James had was in regards to encouragement.  He needed support.  While it was simple and took little time, I wrote him a special note that let him know that I was on his side.  I would be there for him.

His mom’s surgery went well.  God has her in his hands.  While cancer is a scary thing, so is life.  We never know what tomorrow may hold, but we can trust God no matter the outcome.  James is doing well too.  He is encouraged by the good report from his mother, and I think he was encouraged to know he has his family behind him too.  Saying “I cherish you” can be as simple as letting my spouse know that no matter where he is in life, I am right there beside him.

Dare Nine: Greetings Hubby!

Howdy partner!  I am experimenting with my greetings today.  Since yesterday's dare, I have been thinking about how I greet my husband, but also how I greet everyone in my life.  Specifically, the dare challenged me to "think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today.  Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm.  Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them."  What this has all brought to light for me is that I am a terrible greeter!

All throughout the New Testament, there are references about Jesus and the disciples greeting those who they encountered.  If I were writing about James's and my life together, I would never make any big reference to greetings.  My greetings are standard and I generally put no extra effort into them.  If greetings are mentioned as such a frequent and loving activity in the Bible, maybe I need to rethink my attention to greeting my husband.

Matthew 5:46-48 says:

"If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

What do I see in this verse?  First, I see a reference to loving others and how I am called to love more than just the people who love me.  Then immediately following, the verse talks about how easy it is to greet those who I already know, but that I should greet people that I do not know as well.  Basically, in following Christ, I need to love even the people who do not love me, and greet people that I don't even know.  If that is the case, how much more then should I be greeting my own husband?  This greeting thing is going to be a bit of work!

When I talk to James on the phone, I need to greet him and not just act like we are picking up where we left off on the last call.  When he comes home, I need to greet him and not just assimilate him into my day.  I should greet him because he is a person, I should greet him because it is respectful, and I should greet him because it is one more way that I can show him how much that I love him.  While I normally do not put much thought into greetings, I think that I have been mistaken.  Greetings matter.

Yesterday while attempting to do this dare, I found that it was not anywhere close to second nature for me.  Giving a greeting takes a certain amount of time, it takes a bit of thought, and I have to work at it since I am not used to being intentional about greetings.  I see that "hi" doesn't always cut it.  While hello is a formality, a greeting is a pouring out of well intentioned love.  Here are a few specific Biblical ideas about greetings:

• Greet by using their name: 
• 3 John 1:14 - "Greet the friends there by name."
• Greet with a kiss:
• 1 Peter 5:14 - "Greet one another with a kiss of love."
• Greet with a note:
• II Thessalonians 3:17 -"write this greeting in my own hand"
• Greet warmly:
• I Corinthians 16:19 - "greet you warmly in the Lord"

Due to this dare, I am going to be more intentional about my greetings.  Instead of issuing words without meaning, I will greet out of love.  The more I think about the words that come out of my mouth, the more I realize that each one matters and needs to be overcome by the love of Christ.

Dare Seven: The Valentine's Day surprise and the dare

Two days ago, I took on the Seventh Dare.  The reason that I am writing about it now, as opposed to yesterday, is because Valentines Day was a busy day.  Not commercially busy, not busy with thing that didn't matter, I was busy showing James how much he means to me.  Before I share about the dare, let me share about how I showed James my love yesterday.

I had it all planned out.  My friend was able to bring my little guy to her day care, then I was free to make Valentines Day as memorable as possible.  Only, the first store was not open for another fifteen minutes, daggone it!  Having to wait a few minutes did not deter me at all from my goals, but unfortunately, the Exchange did not have everything I needed.  Moving on, I went to Wal-Mart.  In general, Wal-Mart tends to have everything a person could need for any holiday, but not on the actual day of the holiday.  Wal-Mart was bone dry in regards to Valentines Day.  I searched through the dregs and went to a few other departments, but I was still missing a few key items.  If all else fails, go back to the store where you first saw the item for sale.  Rouses, here I come!  I was looking for Valentines Day static cling window decals and Rouses had them with Snoopy characters.  James loves Snoopy.  Here is my list of attained items from my three store shopping trip: Card, bag of red balloons, Motown love CD, Brach's conversation hearts, static clings, tacky putty, and red window paint.  My plan was to decorate James's truck while he worked.

James and I were also meeting for lunch for our Valentines Day date.  We went out for Philly subs.  Not the standard meal for such a holiday, but the sandwiches were delicious.  As we arrived back to his work, he mentioned how he needed to go to the Exchange to try on a new uniform.  Well, he could not very well take his truck from the parking lot when I needed to decorate it!  I volunteered, "I'll take you to the exchange, honey!" So off we went to the Exchange where I would stand and wait for him to try on uniform sizes for the next 45 minutes.  I dropped him off at his building, drove away, and came right back to the parking lot in front of his building.  Time to get busy!

First, I hopped in his truck and put the CD in his CD player; I made sure that when he turned on his stereo the song, "Baby, I Need Your Loving", would come on.  Then I proceeded to blow up the entire bag of red balloons securing them on the tops of the seatbelts, placing one on the front of his truck under the windshield wiper blade, and the rest all over his seats.  I signed the card and left it behind the CD in his center console.  The outside of his truck was next.  I pulled off static cling after static cling and put them all over the windows of his truck, and then I joined them with conversation hearts attached by the tacky putty.  The final touch was completed by writing “I Love You” on the driver's side window.  A hint of embarrassment mixed with a whole lot of love, perfect!

Sure he was a little bit self-conscious about having a truck covered in hearts, but he loved it.  James said that he even contemplated driving home a different way from work just so more people could see how much his wife loved him.  I guess love is embarrassing sometimes, but isn't it great?

Back to the dare, the Seventh Dare challenged me to get two pieces of paper and to write all of the positive things about my spouse on one and all of the negative things about my spouse on the other.  From the positive list, I was to thank James for having one of the positive traits.  The dare also explained that each list was going to be used in later dares.

My "good list" was sufficient, but as I wrote I realized that I rarely think about his good traits like I used to do.  I used to be enamored by his intellect and thrilled with his musical talents on the trumpet, but now, I was used to his positive traits.  He had them, and that was that.  However, shouldn't I spend more time thinking about how excellent he is?  The Bible says in Philippians 4:8, "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."  This should definitely apply to my thoughts about my spouse.  As The Love Dare states, I need to spend my time in the "Good Room" and dwell on the wonderful things about James.

The "bad list" was plentiful.  I had no trouble filling the lines with the all the little things that bug me and things at which my husband fails.  However, I know that if James made a similar list about me, he would probably have to fill two pages or more to cover every aspect.  The list shows that I spend much more time in the "Bad Room" going over all of his shortcomings, when in truth that room does nothing but tear down and destroy.

The more time I spend going over my husband's shortcomings, the more time I am not spending thinking about why I married him.  I married my husband because he is my best friend with whom I enjoy spending time.  He shares my belief in a God who reached down and sent the greatest Valentines Day gift of all, his son, who died to bring the world life.  James is amazing with children and is the best Daddy I have ever known.

When I completed this dare, I wrote out my lists, and I had plenty to praise James about for the day.  James is a wonderful person, regardless of his bad points.  I didn't marry him because of what he isn’t; I married him because of who he is.  In the future, I think I'll be spending more time in the "Good Room", and a lot less time dwelling in the "Bad Room".

Dare Six: Love is not irritable?

Are you saying that I have an attitude?  I do not have an attitude!  I am irritable?  You are the one being irritable, saying I have an attitude . . .

Women are never irritable, right?  It isn't as if once a month something just comes over us and turns us into Mrs. Hyde.  Oh wait, it does!  I am so guilty of being irritable.  Just today, I found myself eating lunch and thinking, "Why did James have to do this?" "Why did James have to do that?"  I was being so irritable about everything!  Well, even though this dare was for yesterday, I am still thinking about how often I seem to be irritable.

Yesterday the Love Dare challenge was to choose "to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation.  Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.  Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."  At first I had no idea what it meant by adding margin to my schedule.  Really.  I had no idea.  Then I realized it meant breathing room, a deep breath, time of prayer, or a moment of calm.  The book mentions that stress leads to irritability.  How true!

When trying to list areas where I need to "add margin", I realized that I had plenty of time that I was simply misusing.  My stress occurs when I have procrastinated so long that everything is riding on the last few moments.  In those last few moments, I can be a monster to be around.  The added margin needs to come from me using my time wisely so that the monster stays in her cage.

Practically, I need to designate home days, where I stay put and get done things in the house instead of going out with friends or going shopping.  I need to plan my meals so that last minute I am not flipping out because everyone is relying on me for food.  Besides planning, I need to learn to rely on God as my peace.  No matter what storm is raging in my life or soul, He can calm the storm.  Not only is He my peace, but He also promises that his burden is easy and light.  Instead of taking on the world as my personal burden, God can handle the world and He asks me to simply follow Him.  My added margin can be had by relying on God as my strength instead of expecting myself to be Wonder Woman.

By way of my motivations, I tend to be motivated by what I think I should get out of a situation. I tend to think about how I am inconvenienced by something James does or how I did not get my way out of a situation.  Though my motivation should be love and following Christ with my entire life, I get distracted by my desire to flip on the television and get lost in a show or my desire to be liked by other people.  There are only two people whose opinions should matter to me, that of my husband and that of my Lord.  I need to begin thinking about what causes me to take certain actions.  Why should I do things without even thinking about why I am doing them?  Motivations matter.

Fortunately, even though I have been stressed out lately with school deadlines, Josiah's care, and tending the house, I have sought to be loving in my reactions to James.  He came home from work last night at 11 p.m. and I was going crazy because I had one more DVD lesson to finish up before taking a test.  Instead of exploding at him, I just explained to him what was going on with my schoolwork and how I was feeling about the situation.  The result of the even-tempered conversation was that he unpacked while I finished up the DVD.  Normally, I would go off on him about how stressed I was, how I had to get this done, and how he needed to just vacate.  I think talking to him calmly about what was going on worked a lot better than reacting as I normally would.

If love is not irritable, then love isn't irritable even once a month.  It isn't irritable on a bad hair day, and it isn't even irritable when my husband leaves nasty shaving fuzz all over my sink.  Instead of having my stress level sky high or my motivations out of whack, I have to keep myself even balanced so that I can love James to the best of my ability.  I treasure my marriage much more than I treasure my stressful schedule or my other motivations, so any stress or motivation that challenges my marriage has to take the backseat.  Being irritable is a choice; it is not something that I am helpless to stop.  From now on, I am going to notice when I am being irritable and find out why.  Loving James is worth choosing to not be irritable.

Dare Five: Love is not rude

In regards to love, I Corinthians 13:5 says this, "It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."  Yesterday's dare was about treating each other with respect and not being rude.  Specifically, the dare stated, "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you.  You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior.  This is from their perspective only."  How often do I listen to I Corinthians 13:5 about love being kind and patient, and completely leave out the second verse about love not being rude?

Since James has been constantly at work this week, I decided to give him a call to talk with him and attempt to gracefully turn the conversation towards asking him about three irritating or rude things that I do.  Honestly, I have no idea how I pulled this off without him catching on to exactly what I was doing.  We got on the phone, and I told James about our morning so far.  Then I explain to him that I'm reading this book and it got me thinking about how I act and about rude habits that I may have.  I proceeded to ask him if he could tell me three rude things that I do that make him irritated or uncomfortable.

He acted like this was a hard question, but I am sure he was just scared that answering the question would get him in trouble.  Of course, James has no idea the dare keeps me from fussing at him regarding his answers.  Finally, he tells me that he really doesn't like it when I tease him.  He explained that sometimes it is fun just joking around, but that overall he doesn't appreciate it.  I could have guessed that answer.  I said nothing negative, and I just told him that I knew what he was talking about.

I proceeded to pry another answer out of him because he was getting ready to say he couldn't think of any more.  An idea popped into his head, he doesn't like it when I tickle him unexpectedly when he's looking for something in the refrigerator, bent down to pick something up, or any other situation where his sides are vulnerable.  Again, I just listened, and didn't give any feedback.

After that it took him a few minutes to come up with the last one.  It felt strange nagging him to get him to tell me negative things about myself, extremely counterintuitive.  I should be bugging him about his bad points, right?  Again, this all felt really backwards!  The last one he came up with was about how I fuss at him every time we go shopping.  Oh so true!  I hate going shopping with James.  I still did not give him any feedback, but boy, did I want to let him know why he deserved every fuss!  He had to go, and I simply told him, "Thanks!"  The strange counterintuitive conversation was over, and I had succeeded in the dare.

Let's summarize, I tease too much, I tickle meanly, and I fuss during shopping trips.  I am completely uncharitable about teasing.  This goes back to the spending dare that made me realize I have different rules for James than I made for myself.  I tend to think James shouldn't be rude, but I never think about me not being rude.  Honestly, all the things a guy should never tease a girl about, I have teased James about.  He is completely right, and I am completely wrong.  Then the tickling; I maliciously tickle.  I rarely do it for fun, and I most often to it as revenge or just to be mean.  I am a rude tickler!  At times, I have trumped it up to a weird quirk of mine, but I need to stop giving myself excuses and deal with my issues.  Finally, I do fuss during shopping trips with James.  Let me preface this with explaining how James is a unique shopper.  He takes off for unknown places as soon as we get in the store, brings tons of unwanted items back to the cart, and he makes things take so much longer.  Okay, now back to me.  Though James is an atypical shopper, fussing doesn't change him and fussing is rude.  Instead of fussing, James and I need to talk about my grocery store expectations and explain to him how I feel about his unique shopping style.  When I feel that I have a right to fuss, I fussing even though it is wrong.  I think that I am learning there is no "right to fuss".

What has yesterday's dare taught me?  Rude is rude.  No excuse gets me away from the responsibility to treat my husband with respect.  My husband deserves to be respected when it comes to how I speak about him, he deserves to be respected even when I am being quirky, and he deserves to be respected even when he is being quirky.  The opposite of rude is respect, and to love each other best we both need to be polite to each other and show each other the courtesies that we would show a stranger.  My true challenge is to treat my husband better than I would treat a stranger, to treat my husband like a treasure.

Dare Four: Being Thoughtful About My Love



Keep On Smiling Photography



I consider myself to be a relatively thoughtful person, so when I saw that yesterday's dare was about thoughtfulness I was convinced I had it made.  The dare presented in day 4 was to "contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day.  Have no agenda other than asking how he or he is doing and if there is anything you could do for them."  I mean, how hard can the dare be?

First, I called James, and immediately I began talking about the different events of the day.  He was asking about how things were going, and I was letting him know about cute things my little guy had done that day and what I was doing that day.  Whoops!  Half the phone call had already went by and I had not asked him about his day nor had I asked him if I could help him in anyway.  I tried to salvage the mission by asking him how he was doing and about his day.  James does not divulge information about his day without me having to ask more questions, so by the time I got around to pulling out a few details from his day he had to go.  That was not much of a "thoughtful" phone call.  All I thought about was me and my day!

Since this call was in the morning, I figured that I could call again in the afternoon to check in and do more to complete the dare requirements.  I called him back and he was busy.  He called me back and I was busy.  Finally, I got him late in the day and we chatted a bit but I never got to ask him if I could do anything for him.  Sometimes life does not agree with our best laid plans.

What I realized though is how I might think that I am thoughtful, but when I am talking to my husband I think about me.  I think about what I want to tell him and about my day, but I do not often stop to ask about his day and what is going on with his life.  As a woman, mother, and wife I really get caught up into thinking that the child raising, house cleaning, relationships, and Facebook dramas are somehow more important than my husband's life at work.  I am being selfish.  While I may have thoughtful tendencies, I need to be involved in my husband's life even when he is at work.  No, I am not going to be the over-possessive wife that calls to monitor his every move or ask every detail of his day, but when I ask him how his day went I need to mean it.  He does not tell me about his work life not because it is not relevant to him, but because he has come to expect that I do not care.  When I choose to be thoughtful about my love for James, I have to care about him when he is here and him when he is gone from me.

He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.  Proverbs 22:11

Dare Number Two

Before I share yesterday's attempt at following through with the second Love Dare, I feel the need to answer a question that may be plaguing the minds of any who read this blog. Why do I feel the need to openly discuss my experiences while taking this Love Dare? I have many motivations for completing and sharing this blog.

One of my biggest reasons for putting together a public blog for the Love Dare is accountability. Many people start the dare and few finish it. What could provide more accountability than sharing with the world that I, Brooke Shambley, will complete the Love Dare? In addition, the book has questions at the end of each dare that I knew I would need some encouragement to complete. This blog allows me to answer the questions in a meaningful way and challenge myself to really think about the results of each dare. Maybe I have a couple of reasons which include "look at me!" and "read my thoughts!" but in general my intentions are pure.

Yesterday was an overall success by way of the dare. The second dare issued by the book The Love Dare is "in addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness." While I succeeded in doing one unexpected gesture of kindness, I also figured out that sometimes just doing an act of kindness is not enough.

I knew that James was running out of clean clothes, so I decided to finish up the laundry before he got home. Besides doing the clothes, I also cleaned up the house and started heating up dinner, after which I realized that nothing I had done so far was "unexpected" though all were helpful. This also made me realize that when I don’t do the expected kind things that I am not doing all that I can do to help James out. Not that I am the only one who has to do the laundry or clean, but I can alleviate his load and make life easier on him if I can get this stuff done while he is at work. So while I had a nice clean house, I still had to figure out some unexpected act of kindness to do.

James got home from work and he still had work to do for his job. He finished up making the soup that I had started warming, and we sat down to eat. Normally, I start in on him about how he needs to do his work at work and how he needs to spend time with me, but in honor of the dare, I just left him alone even though inside I still felt upset. This is where it started to get strange. Since I normally just let it all out and I was instead holding it all in, James kept asking me if I was okay or if there was something wrong. I was trying to not be negative so all I could do was tell him that everything was okay, but then his questions were making me more upset. Finally, I told him that I was not happy that he had work to do and I was not happy about the questions, but that I would be fine, really. Here is the lesson of the day; I cannot fake my emotions, but instead I have to be kind while still feeling my emotions. I can be both positive towards James and still be real with him. The love dare will not last if I do it with a fake smile.

The lesson was two-fold because I chose to do something that I hate as my unexpected act of kindness, which did make it unexpected. For some reason, I hate rubbing James feet. Girl's feet are pretty with cute little toes and stylish nail polish, but boy's feet are big and have bigger not so cute toes. As you may be guessing, I decided to rub James's feet. While I got through it without him knowing how much I was dreading it and while he thoroughly enjoyed it, I still think that in the future I should choose acts of kindness that will let me show my love without cringing. Still, he fell asleep happy and I finished watching my episode of Xena after successfully completing dare number two.

My main discovery about love during this dare is that faking love is not enough. I guess it can also called "going through the motions", but the main thing is that a smile must be from the heart or I may as well be scowling. Sincerity and authenticity are musts for love. As I continue the Love Dare, I am going to try to be as real about this as possible. There is no faking love.

The First Dare

The first dare was "to resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all". I admit that this task was easier than normal because I only saw James for about four hours yesterday. Still I recognized how easily I blurt out negative statements and tend to deride him in an instant.

When he was on his way home from work, I realized that when I am on the phone with him I tend to set the tone for the entire evening. I caught myself about to nag him about things that he needed to do around the house when he got home. Why do I get him upset at me before he even walks through the door? Instead of giving him "the list", I simply told him I was happy that he was coming home and that was looking forward to seeing him. The first conversation was over.

I was in a rush when he arrived home. I realized that it was Monday; the night of the girl's night out with my church. Fortunately, mostly everything was together for me to go, and James was a champ about the whole situation. I started to ask myself whether he was reading this book too; probably not. I kissed my little boy goodbye, told James a few ideas for their dinner, and rushed out the door. The second conversation was over, and so far no negative remarks were made.

The dinner was great, but after I left I kept stressing myself out over whether I had given my friend enough money to cover my part of the bill. Stress is not a good way to stay in a positive mood. When I got home, I immediately told James why I was so stressed and he figured out that I did give her enough money. I am so happy my husband is better at math than I am!

Josiah was already in bed, so James and I stretched out on the sofa. Here is where the challenges began to come up. First, he started in on one of his habits that I absolutely detest (gross, but not weird). I quickly asked him to stop, and then I realized that I was being negative. I told him quickly and sweetly, "never mind!" He was confused.

Then the television popped up with a reminder about his woodworking show while I was watching the end of Castle. The reminder is a big block message about his program that pops up right in the middle of the screen while I am watching my show, so frustrating! I immediately became angry and was ready to show my disapproval. Why am I so quick to get upset and give him what for? I frowned and growled, then swallowed it. I know that he knew I was upset, but I held back the brunt of the storm. Small triumph, but I need to work on it.

I think that I am figuring out that the little things that he does that annoy me are more about my issues than his. Sure he has bad habits, but so do I. The way I react, the way I handle these things, say little about him, but everything about me. Yesterday was my first dare and my first active pursuit to love my husband according to the dare's instructions. While I had a few minor failures, I can see the overall benefit of actively thinking about how I react. Patience could look really good on me.

Dare 2 Love 4 Valentine's Day

Yesterday, I decided to accept The Love Dare. In honor of Valentine's Day and in recognition of the perfect time to start, I decided to complete each love dare starting February the 7th and ending on March 18th. In order to recognize how the dare is affecting my marriage and love, I will journal my progress day to day on this blog.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this dare, The Love Dare is a 40 day dare to unconditionally love your spouse expecting nothing in return. Also, the book was featured in the movie Fireproof with actor Kirk Cameron who is most known from his television days playing in Growing Paints. Each day the book presents a new challenge for loving your spouse.

For as long as possible, I plan to keep my dare a secret from my husband, James. Without revealing why I am acting and reacting differently, I will go through each day and watch what happens when I actively seek to show love to my husband. I plan to take it one day at a time. I may not be able to commit to tomorrow's dare today, but I might do a decent job at handling it tomorrow.

While I have to make the decision to do this dare, God is my ultimate strength throughout this time. If I pretend that I am strong enough and good enough to do this all on my own, I will fail. God is love, and this is a love dare. I am reminded of I Corinthians 13:1-3,

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

This dare is to gain something, it is to gain love. As it stands, my marriage can be considered a good marriage, but a marriage is not a thing that you have it is a thing you do. I am a part of a marriage, a member of a two person team. If I want to make my marriage better then I have to be active in my pursuit of the glue that keeps a marriage one. That glue is love. Because I prize my partnership, my marriage, I accept the dare to love for Valentine's Day, 2011.

If you want more information on The Love Dare, check out these links and consider taking this challenge with me. God can and will work in our marriages when we seek his love.

The Love Dare

The Love Dare on Amazon

Fireproof My Marriage

Fireproof

Fireproof on Amazon