Dare Thirty Three: Team Spirit

Have you ever known a spouse that acted like their counterpart was a burden, a hassle, and the person holding them back in life?  This is normally accompanied by a list of their faults and an eye roll at their shortcomings.  However, the spouse that treats their mate this way is just as much a failure!  Marriage is about standing in the gap for your love.

The dare for today is about completing one another.  Basically, the chapter expresses that man and wife are to work together and blossom in the areas where the other person doesn't.  The husband might be a better cook, but the wife might be better at the laundry.  The wife might be better at finances, but the husband might be better at taking care of maintenance issues.  Each person has their strengths and weaknesses and works to balance the other one out and work as a team.

I love the verse provided in this chapter of The Love Dare, Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, "Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor.  For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion.  But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up."

So back to the first example, how many of you know spouses who kick their counterpart when they are down, tear them up in their shortcomings, and rip them apart with words, actions, and gossip?  Not only do I know plenty, I have been and sometimes am guilty of this myself!  Rather than bludgeoning our spouses to death with our words, actions, and gossip, God has called us to support them in their shortcomings.

While the chapter reminds me of how I am supposed to be a support to James instead of being critical.  The chapter actually dares me to "Recognize that your spouse is integral to your future success.  Let them know today that you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.  If you have ignored their input in the past, admit your oversight and ask them to forgive you."

Basically, if I were to tear down James to his face or to friends, I'd be tearing myself down.  Sometimes we end up treating our spouse as our enemy, we don't want to do anything for them to help them.  Think of this though, Romans 12:20 states, "if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head."  If we are supposed to take care of our enemy when they have needs, how much more should we be doing for our spouses who are our partners NOT our enemies!

As a team, James and I make decisions.  We consult each other about everything.  At times, I'll mean to not tell him something, maybe because it's something little that honestly doesn't matter, then I'll end up telling him anyway.  We have an open relationship where we depend on each other's opinions and differences to help us to make the right decisions.  Sometimes we give advice and the other chooses not to take it.  However, the balance still remains.  We advise each other but we don't boss each other around.  Completing one another isn't about fixing one another, it's about being the couple that God intended for us to be.

We aren't perfect but we make plans to do things right.  I decided early on in our marriage that I would never publicly tear him down or humiliate him.  I succeed much more often than I fail, because I planned to do it right.  He does the same, but he's even nicer.  He tends to build me up and say nice things about me in front of other people.  We also agreed that any big purchases would be talked about first.  Though, we aren't always in agreement over the purchases each other makes.  However, what we have done right is putting an importance on dialogue between us and realizing that we affect each others lives.  The power of a spouse can be used to bring completion to a marriage or dissention to a marriage, the choice is yours.

Dare Thirty Two: Sex

I knew this day would come.  Since The Love Dare is a book about the marriage relationship, there eventually had to be a chapter about sex.  Much of marriage is emotional and intellectual, but obviously marriage is also physical.  How else do you think couples get all those little people running around?

I see no reason to disclose the specifics of this dare to the world, or the intimate details of my physical relationship with my husband.  Still, there is plenty to blog about.

Many women have their views of sex tainted by what the world has to say on the topic.  The media makes sex out to be some cheap pleasure meant for any person, any time.  Sex In the City, soap operas, and every other movie make it seem unusual for a woman to remain loyal to one man.  In fact, they make it look exciting for women to be "empowered" or in control of their own sex life.  Let me reassure you that this is a lie.  What is empowering is the grace of God covering the life of a married woman who keeps her marriage bed pure.  She is no less in control of her sex life and no less bold.  She knows that sex is about love, not power, not lust, and not even about pleasure.  The world says that sex is about pleasure and about the individual, but God says sex is about the oneness of marriage and about sharing genuine love.  I prefer to accept the authentic version and not some cheap Hollywood mimic.

I would imagine some people do not want to hear that sex is not all about them being pleased.  Too bad.  Selfish sex is not God's intention.  Which is why it is so terrible when a woman empowers herself by holding back something that means so much to her husband.  Many, many, many men receive love by physical interaction, by withholding sex women are withholding respect and love.  If you are a woman who cannot understand why your relationship with your husband is so poor, yet you keep your body from your husband, then you may need to rethink your decision.  The Bible says in I Corinthians 7:4, "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does."  Basically, withholding the precious gift of sex from your husband is wrong.  It causes a separation that is not intended in the marriage relationship.

It's never too late to accept the real deal and put away being selfish.  Whether your sex life has been tainted by Hollywood's cheap imitations or by keeping yourself from your husband, God can renew your sex life with your husband.  Sex is God's plan, not just for baby making, but also for unity.  Consider me bold, but I'm going to include some Godly tips for renewing the physical relationship in marriage.

1.  Pray with your husband about your sex life.  God cares about every aspect of your marriage and sex in marriage is in no way shameful.  Ask God to bless your sex life and He will.

2.  Make time to talk.  Yes, I know talking seems to have nothing to do with sex, but how can you have an authentic loving physical relationship if you do not talk to each other and know each others daily joys and pains.  Talking is a very important part of intimacy.

3.  Confirm your husband!  Build him up.  Tell him the good things he does.  Praise him for being the provider, the fixer, or the strong one of the household.  If you want him to act like a manly man in your physical relationship, then make sure he feels like a manly man in your marriage.

4.  Accept his advances.  Don't push away his arm or tell him that you are too busy.  For Pete's sake, don't tell him you have a headache!  As his wife, accept him, confirm him, and let him pursue you.

5.  Make time to . . . yunno!  Set time apart in the day or at least in the week that is made a priority.  Make your physical relationship an important part of your marriage relationship.

6.  Get the kids out of the bed.  I know this sounds harsh, but it is so important that a man and wife have the marriage bed to themselves.  Sharing on occasion is not bad, but the lack of physical intimacy caused by having children always in the bed can cause serious problems to a marriage.

Marriage and sex are God's idea.  As a spouse, you must consider how to care for your husband emotionally, intellectually, and physically.  For the wife that refuses to consider her husband in this manner, she is dooming her own marriage.  I honestly believe this.  Tend your marriage and love your husband completely.