Dare Thirty: Priority Check!

What do I think of when I think of unity?  I think of the unity candle when we were married.  Symbolic, but slightly empty with so much else going on that day.  Unity does not mean a lot in our society.  The word is scarcely used yet it brings images to mind of some religious cult that says “Ohmmmm” too much.  Once again, the definition of a word is lost due to misuse and disuse.

According to Merriam-Webster Unity means: the state or quality of not being multiple – oneness; a condition of harmony – accord; a quality or state of being made one – unification.  I am not sure about you, but sometimes marriage does not feel like oneness, harmoniousness, or unification.  He wants to do what he wants to do, and I want to do what I want to do.  I do something and he gets mad, or he does something and I get mad.  We tend to be unified in our decisions about Josiah, but in other things we are divided.  While God did make us two separate beings, I’m starting to understand that He has a better plan for our marriage than for us to exist outside of unity.

The dare today reads, “Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and look on today as a fresh opportunity to pray about it.  Ask the Lord to reveal anything in your own heart that is threatening oneness with your spouse.  Pray that He would do the same for them.  And if appropriate, discuss this matter openly, seeking God for unity.”

Let’s just be frank, sometimes the military is a huge drain on our marriage.  My husband gets home late, I want to spend time with him, he is tired, and then we both feel discontented.  I really do support my husband in his career, but sometimes it is hard to get the leftovers of his time day after day.  After a while of busy schedules and late hours, I feel completely disconnected and start to make decisions that benefit me instead of considering him as a part of my plans.  I think I may have isolated that “one area of division” in our marriage.

Even though the problem may seem like the busy schedule that is delegated by the military or by my schoolwork, the truth is it’s a mindset.  I get unhappy with the way things are and I disengage.  Hello!  If I find myself drifting away from my one partner for life, the one to whom I gave my heart, my lifetime best friend, why in the world would I simply emotionally disengage from our relationship?  That really does not sound smart, but I am going to bet that I’m not the only one who does this.

When I feel us drifting apart emotionally, when I feel the stress of our schedules begin to beat us down, when I feel like I could not care less how he spends his time, I need to press the imaginary alarm button in my mind that reads, “Priority Check!”  My unity with my husband is worth turning off the television, it’s worth getting a babysitter, and it’s worth stopping everything to reconnect.  When life starts to threaten the beautiful unity of my marriage, I have got to sound the alarm!  I must not waste any time in tightening back the bond of marriage and it is worth every ounce of effort.

Dare Twenty Nine: Love's not about me

If I don't feel loved, sometimes I don't give love.  If I feel wronged, I feel justified in being a little less cordial.  If I feel angry, I'll show it in a heartbeat.  Honestly?  My attitude is pitiful!  Love is not about me.

Dare Twenty Nine: "Before you see your spouse again today, pray for them by name and for their needs.  Whether it comes easy for you or not, say "I love you," then express love to them in some tangible way.  Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person -- unconditionally, the way He loves both of you."

This dare was about recognizing that the true motivation of love is not about getting love or about maintaining a perfect marriage.  Love is about God.  We love each other because God first loved us.  The two greatest commandments in the Bible are "Love the Lord your God" and "Love your neighbor."  Even when I don't want to give love, God's love is enough that I might still give love.  The motivation for love is God's call to us to love one another as He loves us.

Colossians 3:17 states, "And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."  Even our love in marriage should be done in the name of the Lord.  I am not sure if my love is always comparable to God's love, but I know that God can make it the same.  God's love is unconditional.  So our love, through God's love, should be unconditional towards our spouse.

Unconditional . . . regardless of whether he does something that makes me livid, regardless of whether I'm in a bad mood, regardless of whether I've had a long day, I can and must love my husband.  I keep telling my son that every good and perfect gift is from above.  Love is that good and perfect give and it is my job to appreciate the love that God has given me.

Dare Twenty Eight: Sacrifice

Today's dare was about stepping back from my personal woes to consider the needs that my husband has in his life.  Basically sacrificing my "woe is me" attitude to realize that other people, particularly my husband, have problems and needs too.  Especially with our society being so focused on living for oneself, it is so easy to think about personal issues and to be self-absorbed in our own life that we forget that our husbands need us to focus on them, our children need us to consider them, and our friends and family need us to think about them.  It's not all about me.

The Twenty Eighth dare asks, "What is one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life right now?  Is there a need you could lift from their shoulders today by a daring act of sacrifice on your part? Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need."

Strangely though, returning to the dare is my fulfillment of this dare.  With my life being so consumed with taking care of my son, doing schoolwork, selling Mary Kay, helping out with church, and considering the future, lately I had forgotten that my first responsibility is to be my husband's helpmate.  If I'm the best mother, the best student, the best Mary Kay consultant, and even the best volunteer but I neglect my husband then I'm not doing what God intended for my life.  God has made me a married woman and as such, I am to be there for my husband.  By recommitting to this dare, I'm making a conscious effort to put my relationship with James above all the other things that make my day busy beyond all reason.  Busyness is not an excuse to put God on the backburner, and it's also no excuse to put my husband on the backburner.

My husband needs my attention, he needs my affection, he needs my support, and he needs to know that I cherish him.  How is it that couples say they will cherish each other on their wedding day then spend no other day living up to those vows?  Let's define cherish.  According to Merriam-Webster cherish means, "to hold dear, to keep or cultivate with care and affection, to harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely."  How often do we let go, tear down, and dismiss our spouses?  Maybe the pastor reading the vows should hand out a dictionary during the service!  I want to accept my responsibility, though it means a sacrifice at times, to cherish my husband cultivating our relationship and keeping him close in my mind.

"I take thee to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part."

Dare Twenty Seven: Love Encourages

It's been a while.  Life has a way of throwing curveballs, and forks and knives, and meteor showers, and honestly anything else it can possibly throw.  Just when I think things are going to calm down and get back to normal, then here comes a refrigerator and maybe a 2" x 4".  If I was smart, I might expect life's surprises and quit stressing out about every new happenstance.  I'll let you know when I make it there.

I'm getting back on board with Dare Twenty Seven, which challenges, "Eliminate the poison of unrealistic expectations in your home.  Think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it.  Promise them you'll seek to understand, and assure them of your unconditional love."

God has a way of getting me messages exactly when I need to hear them.  Sometimes it comes through Oswald Chambers "My Utmost for His Highest" and today, it was through The Love Dare.  The message that I heard sounded something like, "Stop being so daggone critical to your husband and give the guy a break!"  Yeah.  That was the message.

One phrase that really stood out to me from the chapter was, "You must choose to live by encouragement rather than by expectations."  I have so many expectations of James.  Depending on the day, I might have expectations that involve him helping me with Josiah, but at times, I practically expect him to hang the moon.  Really?  Why do I put that kind of pressure on him?  Yes, there are things that he should do, but I'm not his referee that comes in and blows the whistle whenever he makes a foul or misses the basket.  I'm his wife.

As his wife, I can encourage him and build him up, but I can't make him do anything.  I can't expect him to be super human, but I can expect him to be human.  On human power we muddle through life, but with God's power we soar.  I don't want to force him to muddle by pushing expectations on him, instead, I want him to soar by expecting God to do great things in his life.

Here's the funny thing.  When I apologized to James for being critical recently, he actually told me he didn't think I was overly critical because he thought he deserved it.  I was shocked!  Granted, I still think I could have been nicer, but maybe I have kept my overall criticism down enough so that when the real problem occurred he could recognize why it happened.  Think of it this way.  If we as wives are always "crying wolf" about issues around the house and in our lives, when a real problem happens how do we express that the problem is out of the ordinary?  We should keep encouragement as the norm, and exhortment (aka a nice version of criticism) as unusual enough to be important.