Day Twenty Six: Owning Up

While I am not sure why this is, I am a person who easily sees my own faults.  For over half of my life I was a shy introvert who constantly felt like others could see how much of a mess I was and while I was that person, I was a mess.  Since then, I have grown up to realize that God has plans for me despite my faults and that my past can be used for his glory.  Unfortunately, mistakes are not always in my past and I still stumble right here and now.

Sometimes I yell at my husband.  Sometimes I yell at my kid.  At times I say too much when I should have bit my lip.  Shoot!  Sometimes I commit to doing something . . . like a dare . . . and take forever to follow through.  Yesterday’s dare challenged me to take responsibility for my wrongdoings and ask James for forgiveness.

"Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing.  Ask for God's forgiveness then humble yourself enough to admit them to your spouse.  Do it sincerely and truthfully.  Ask your spouse for forgiveness as well.  No matter how they respond, make sure you cover your responsibility in love.  Even if they respond with criticism, accept it by receiving it as counsel.”

I could completely relate with the chapter and I often feel that I am “doing the best I can" and “he'll just have to deal with it”.  Instead of fessing up or taking responsibility, sometimes I hide behind excuses.  The book is clear that "love doesn't make excuses.”

When I forgave James for things that I was holding against him in Dare 25, I also confessed how awful I had been lately.  I let him in on the fact that I had been acting poorly towards him because I was not giving him the forgiveness that God calls us to give.  While this should have been a good step in the right directions, habits die hard.  Yesterday, I lit into him for some stupid thing . . . oh yeah . . . because he wanted to make a garden trellis with expensive pipes and I thought he should use less expensive wood.  The crazy thing was that I could have given him the different opinion without being awful and he may have been thankful for a new idea.  He ended up using my idea, but was less thankful because of how I "let him have it".

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, but as a spouse I have to take hold of it.  I have to give it and I have to ask for it.  Forgiveness does not always just happen; instead it needs to be an intentional choice.  I have to intentionally give it, and I have to intentionally seek it.  I am human and I will make mistakes, my husband is human and he will make mistakes as well.  Forgiveness lets God be in control instead of acting like we have the power to hold things over each other.  Besides, it feels a whole lot better to let go.

Dare Twenty Five: The Dare Is On

I find it surprising how much has occured within two and a half weeks that I paused the dare to remind me how much I need to really listen to The Love Dare.  The last week of the term was awful.  I was stressed and I was angry.  Instead of keeping my class work as my class work and realizing my stress belonged in that area, I brought it on over into family life.  I was a bear.  The kind that goes “rrraaaawwwrrrr.”  My classes ended up just fine, but my attitude was no where close to fine.

After the term finished, James, my little guy, and I took off to Gulf Shores, Alabama for two days.  I was convinced a vacation was just what we needed.  However, I found that if I do not let go of stress, it doesn’t let go of me.  It took me forever to relax.  My goodness, I am good at holding onto things that are no good to hang on to.

The end of the vacation week, we went to go visit James’s mother.  I really think she enjoyed seeing all of us, especially my little guy her only grandbaby.  She has been dealing with a lot lately, and I really was glad that we were able to take care of her for a few days and bring her a bit of joy.  The rest of the vacation went really well.  James and I had tons of time to talk on the way back from Auburn.

What I really realize is how much things pile up in my heart when I do not take the time to deal with them.  When I took a hiatus from the dare, I took a hiatus from loving my husband fully.  I know I said I was not going to stop tending my marriage, but I let life get in the way of good intentions.  The dare is intended to instill lasting habits, and I let go of some of them.  Let me say, the dare is back on, and I am going to work on making these habits lasting.

Yesterday’s dare was about forgiveness.  I have had no forgiveness lately.  Each little offense has been building up inside of me and I honestly am convinced that if this dare had not come along, I’d be bursting.  Instead of holding on to all of that unforgiveness, God wants to loose forgiveness in my life and marriage.  It is not my job to hold James accountable for his failings, nor am I to hold other peoples offenses against them.  Forgiveness frees them and me into God’s hands.

The dare said that “Whatever you haven’t forgiven in your mate, forgive it today.  Let it go.  Just as we ask Jesus to “forgive us our debts” each day, we must ask Him to help us “forgive our debtors” each day as well.  Unforgiveness has been keeping you and your spouse in prison too long.  Say from your heart, “I choose to forgive.””

I even wrote a bible study on forgiveness.  It was about situational forgiveness.  Even when little things such as stubbing our toes make us mad, we have to let it go.  I am horrible about this.  I find that God keeps bringing me back to things that He knows I need to let go to Him.  I need to let go of my unforgiveness.

I choose to forgive.  I choose to keep “no record of wrongs”.  I choose to live each day as a fresh beginning rather than darkening every new sky with the rain of yesterday.  I forgive my husband for the areas in which he has failed, and realize that if I don’t forgive I’ve failed most of all.

Slight Pause

Since I am also taking grad school classes online while doing the Love Dare, I am going to have to take a few day pause to finish up this term.  This coming Sunday I will complete the first term of classes, but until then I need to concentrate on writing my research paper and not on my blog.  Today marks a temporary pause in writing, but not a pause in my marriage.  Consider this a "to be continued" . . .

Dare Twenty Four: Love Vs Lust

I must begin with a definition of lust because I often lose sight of how broad the subject of lust really is.

Lust per http://www.blogger.com/www.access-jesus.com/definition-of-lust.html: The simple definition of lust is having a self-absorbed desire for an object, person, or experience. When we are in lust, we place the object of our desire above all things in our lives. From a Christian perspective lust is bad because we are putting the object of our lust above God.

The Love Dare explains that “lust is in opposition to love.”

Do I have a self-absorbed desire for an object, person, or experience?  A love that is not godly?  Sometimes I lust after food.  I lust after success.  I lust after appreciation and approval.  I look to the food, the success, the appreciation and approval to fulfill me and to make me happy.  When I expect them to do what only God can, I’m lusting after them.  I’m not placing my trust in God and I am desiring other things to bring me contentment.

The dare challenges me to “end it now.  Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it.  Single out every lie you’ve swallowed in pursuing forbidden pleasure and reject it.  Lust cannot be allowed to live in a back bedroom.  It must be killed and destroyed – today – and replaced with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with his perfect love.” 

Obviously I shouldn’t remove all food, but I need to give my desire for food as fulfillment up to Him.  Food does not satisfy but a moment.  God says “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness for they will be filled.”  I love how God takes those things that we desire to make us happy and the Bible shows how God is the true fulfillment of all our needs and wants.  We may hunger within our body, but the hunger in our spirit is what can be truly fed and can bring us joy.  Food cannot be an idol, nor can it bring us fulfillment whether too much food or starving ourselves of food.

Success.  So many people strive after success.  Maybe if I spent less time trying to succeed and more time seeking my Savior, I might do less trying and more . . . succeeding.  God is ultimately in control.  I can lust after success or I can pursue God with all that I am.  I must choose the later.

I am a woman and being such I lust after appreciation and approval.  I tend to want approval more than I want anything else.  I want the new person I meet to like me.  I want my husband to show that he is happy with me.  I crave appreciation.  Do you realize how many I’s were involved in these statements?  In light of God’s love, I must take my need for appreciation and approval and nail them to the cross.

Maybe I do not lust in the way most people think of the word lust, but when I love other things that aren’t a part of God’s plan I am lusting.  Lust is a very selfish thing, and I really want to learn to become more like Jesus and become selfless.  I must end my obsession with food, I must end my obsession with success, and I must end my obsession with approval.  God is my stronghold, not these meaningless things.